At a place where you go to confess your sins:

In a British office:

AFTER THE TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

On Arapaho Road in Richardson, Texas:

Demonstrating that there is a difference between truth and adspeak:

On a commercial vehicle in Plano, Texas:

ALICE'S HOUSE CLEANING FOR FREE ESTIMATE CALL SILVIA

On a church building's markee:

ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS POSTPONED FOR CLASSROOM REPAIRS

Announcement on a company bulletin board:

ALL EMPLOYEES ARE INVITED TO THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY. ALL CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF TEN WILL RECEIVE A GIFT FROM SANTA. EMPLOYEES WHO HAVE NO CHILDREN MAY BRING GRANDCHILDREN.

Traffic sign, contradiction department:

ALL THROUGH TRUCKS MUST DETOUR

||

In a veterinarian's office:

ALL UNATTENDED CHILDREN GIVEN FREE KITTEN

At a nursing home in Richardson, Texas:

AMBULANCE DELIVERIES IN REAR

"Professionally" made sign on a store in Pine Bluff, Arkansas:

ANTIGUES & THINGS

On a shop:

ANTIQUE TABLES MADE DAILY

Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:

ANY MEMBER INTRODUCING A DOG INTO THE SOCIETY'S PREMISES SHALL BE LIABLE TO A FINE OF ONE POUND. ANY ANIMAL LEADING A BLIND PERSON SHALL BE DEEMED TO BE A CAT.

In a dry cleaner's window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Title on a school system office door:

ASSISTANT ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT TO THE ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL

In a park in North Vancouver, British Columbia:

ATTENTION DOG GUARDIANS -- PICK UP AFTER YOUR DOGS. THANK YOU. ATTENTION DOGS -- GRRRRR, BARK, WOOF. GOOD DOG.

In an English laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES. PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a Gymboree store:

BABY SALE $10 - $20

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In a yard in Huntsville, Alabama:

BASEMENT FOR SALE

On a shop on Menaul Blvd., Albuquerque, New Mexico:

BATTERIES WHILE YOU WAIT

At a shop on Georgia Highway 94, catering to batmobiles:

BATTIRES

On a veterinarian's office:

BE BACK IN FIVE MINUTES.   SIT!   STAY!

On Coit Road in Dallas:

Just in case you thought a handbag was a type of belt:

Not a misprint! Please pay attention.

At a railroad station:

BEWARE! TO TOUCH THESE WIRES IS INSTANT DEATH. ANYONE FOUND DOING SO WILL BE PROSECUTED.

In a commercial district in Louisville:

BIG & TALL
ORTHODONTIST

In a Piggly Wiggly grocery store:

Along one passage in Mammoth Cave:

BOTTOMLESS PIT 105 FT.

On a truck in front of a CASKET store in Dallas:

BOXES TO GO

Outside the Old Town Cafe in West Yellowstone, Montana:

BRAKE   FAST   6 A.M.

In Miami, Florida:

BREAKFAST SPECIAL LIVE BAIT SHINE - WORMS BEER - ICE SALT WATER BAIT BLUE CRABS JAIVAS

In Bryan, Texas, where I first learned you needed a phone for this:

CALL ON JESUS 776-PRAY

In a commercial district in North Richland Hills, Texas:

CASKETS
NAILS

In a commercial district in Mesquite, Texas:

CASKETS
SELF-STORAGE

In Plano, Texas, in a shopping center:

CASPIAN FOOD MARKET GRILL &

Beside the road in the United Kingdom:

CATS EYES REMOVED FOR 1 MILE

Road sign:

CAUTION
THIS SIGN HAS
SHARP EDGES
DO NOT TOUCH THE EDGES OF THIS SIGN
ALSO, THE BRIDGE IS OUT AHEAD

Hand-lettered sign in a convenience store in Utah:

CHECK OUT THE HOT DEALS IN OUR FREEZER CASE

Billboard advertising itself for rent:

CHEEP SIGN

Yum! On the windows of a southern-home-cooking restaurant:

CHICKEN SEAFOOD SALAD STEAK BURGER

In Ketchikan, Alaska:

CHICO'S MEXICAN RESTAURANT THE BEST PIZZA IN TOWN

I-forget-where, probably an antique store:

CHILDREN LEFT UNATTENDED WILL BE TOWED AT PARENTS' EXPENSE

in Moab, Utah:

CHINESE FOOD $1.75 A SCOOP

In a health food store window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

In some store somewhere:

COKE 49 CENTS. TWO FOR A DOLLAR.

Advertisement for an Austin restaurant that allows loitering:

COME IN AND TRY OUR BREAKFAST TACO AND LOAF.

Advertising sign in a dry area:

COLD DRINKS SODAS 60¢ WATER 75¢

Painted on the back of a church bus in York, Nebraska:

COME WITH US!
LEARN ABOUT
//////////
EMERGENCY DOOR
//////////
//////////
J E S U S

Enticing sign for the variously thirsty in Plano, Texas:

COUNTRY CLUB BEVERAGE BEER   -   WINE PROPANE

On a church/school markee in Richardson, Texas:

CRAZY HAT DAY 16-17
Isn't that two days?

Another enticing sign, this one at Dunkin' Donuts:

CUP OF SOUP 10 ¢ WITH SAND

On an Alabama store owned by someone who doesn't understand punctuation:

D.J.s' "N" SONS PAWN

We corrected the misspelling. We deeply regret the error:

Well, at least this "educator" means good:

At a Pilot gas station / convenience store:

DIESEL FRIED CHICKEN

In the restroom of an airport:

DO NOT FORGET YOUR LUGGAGE, JEWELRY, CLOTHING

On an office door somewhere:

DR. JONES, VETERINARY MEDICINE AND TAXIDERMY. EITHER WAY, YOU GET YOUR DOG BACK.

Billboard in Manchaca, Texas:

DOLLAR TILE 69¢

At a psychic hot line switchboard:

DON'T CALL US; WE'LL CALL YOU.

At Mississippi State University, an institution of higher (?) learning:

DON'T NEVER EVER ENTER

By the road:

DONT'T DRINK AND DRIVE

In the front yard of a funeral home:

DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT.

||

At the Texas state line, apparently multiple choice:

DRIVE FRIENDLY THE TEXAS WAY

At a restaurant for very fast eaters:

DRIVE-THRU ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SPECIALS

On a low overhead at a bed-and-breakfast inn:

DUCK OR GROUSE

On the door of a temporarily closed pizza restaurant:

DUE TO UNFORSEEN CIRCUMCISIONS THE DINING ROOM WILL BE CLOSED THIS EVENING!!

At the intersection:

On the business card of a Painting & Roofing specialist:

ELECTRICAL REPAIRS - INCLUDING SWIMMING POOLS -

In a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

||

Along a lonely road:

EMERGENCY PHONE 174 KM AHEAD

From the Showcrafters Safety Manual:

Employee lawsuits resulting from electrocution due to faulty shop equipment will be dismissed on the basis of insufficient grounds.

On the Plaza Theatre marquee:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - ETERNITY STARTS AT 6 P.M. - - - - - - - - - - - - -

By the road in Midland, Texas:

EXCEIIENCE IS NOT AN ACT
||	- - - - - - - - - -	||

Making me wonder how I will exit:

Outside a convention center:

FLEA MARKET 19 MAY. DOG SHOW POSTPONED

A list of stuff for sale, or a misunderstanding of genetics?

In a conference center:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

In a 7-Eleven store:

For Everyone's Safety
$5 LARGE PIZZA

(During the CORONAVIRUS pandemic . . .) At a motel pool whose manager relies on autocorrect:

In front of a graveyard:

FOR RENT

In a hospital with a lot of "patience":

FOR YOUR SAFETY, YOUR BAR-CODED ARMBAND MUST BE SCANNED BEFORE YOU TAKE YOUR MEDICINE.
—PATIENCE SAFETY

On a business in Arlington, Texas:

FORMERLY FINEST BEAUTY SALON

Temporary sign in a church yard:

FRED IS FINALLY LEAVING. COME HELP US CELEBRATE.
|	- - - - - - - - - - - - - -	|

Billboard east of Albuquerque, New Mexico:

FREE BATHROOM TOURS
|	|	|	|	|	|

On a machine in the company cafeteria:

FREE BLOOD PRESSURE

Uniquely named inn on I-35 in Oklahoma:

FRIED PIES MOTEL

Above the food cases in a convenience store in Albuquerque:

FROZEN         ICE

Changeable-letter sign at a tire shop:

FREE  BRA  KEINSPECTION

Homemade sign held by a protester:

GET A BRAIN! MORANS

At a pro shop:

GOLF BALLS THE SIZE OF HAIL

At the entrance to the Hibiscus Restaurant, Jakarta Hilton International:

G R I L L   A N D   R O A S T   Y O U R   C L I E N T S !

I saw a building with what I judged to be some sort of cool Asian architecture,
and I didn't know what it was. So I drove over to take a look.
The sign out front certainly cleared things up:

GURDWARA SINGH SABHA

On a recently closed "LAMP SHADES" store after half the lights burned out:

On a fast-food restaurant in Frisco, Texas:

HAVE A SAFE SUMMER BREAKFAST COMBO MEAL

Hotel / convention center sign:

HAVE YOUR AFFAIR HERE

Where they are happy to serve in "whatever" capacity:

In front of a church building (where they no longer belong to Christ?):

HEBRON PARKWAY CHURCH OF CHRIST

On the door of a plastic surgeon's office:

HELLO, CAN WE PICK YOUR NOSE?

On a trash can in Vietnam:

HIDE TRASH HERE PLEASE

At the ENTRANCE of a grocery store:

HOW WAS YOUR VISIT?

At Indian Hills Community Center:

At True Value Hardware in Hamilton, Texas:

IF IT'S IN STOCK WE HAVE IT

In a nonsmoking area:

IF WE SEE YOU SMOKING, WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION.

In a service garage:

IF WE CAN'T FIX YOUR BRAKES, WE'LL MAKE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

On the cover of a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

Made by someone who didn't recognize social media slang:

At a roadside diner in Sutton, Alaska:

IF YOU DON'T EAT HERE, WE'LL BOTH STARVE.

At an optometrist's office:

IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

Well-meaning sign posted at a business:

IF YOU THINK OUR EMPLOYEES ARE RUDE, YOU SHOULD TALK TO OUR MANAGER.

On the door of a PA state store:

If you're under 21 and you try to buy alcohol in this store, we'll do worse than tell your mother.

Don't worry about that silly old law:

In a public building:

IN CASE OF FIRE: Please leave the building before posting on social media.

Historical Marker:

IN THIS ROOM ON APRIL 22, 1962, A MARITAL ARGUMENT WAS WON BY THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.

Billboard advertising a truck stop:

INDOOR PLAYGROUND TRUCKERS DISCOUNT

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT

Handwritten on a car parked in a space designated FOR PREGNANT WOMEN ONLY:

J U S T   M A R R I E D

Bumper sticker on a work vehicle:

K E E P   W O R K I N G
MILLIONS ON WELFARE DEPEND ON YOU!

On a dangerous curve:

Billboard in a field:

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD
|	|	|	|	|	|	|	|	|

At a service station:

KIDS WITH GAS EAT FREE

Grocery store in Richardson, Texas:

KIWI FRUIT   2 FOR 47¢ EACH

Begging the question,
do they seat incomplete parties,
or not?

On a volunteer fire dept.:

LAMBERT FIRE DISTRICT SAME DAY FIRE SERVICE

In a laboratory lavatory:

In a bookstore that caters to the hard-of-hearing and hard-of-seeing:

On an electrician's truck:

LET US REMOVE YOUR SHORTS

In Lucas, Texas:

LIVE BAIT SANDWICHES

Just for fun, let's describe, not denote:

Encouragement for people who want to disappear completely:

LOSE 2-8 POUNDS EVERY WEEK

On a door at a rest stop that hires robots:

MECHANICAL EMPLOYEES ONLY

We might not think this strange in a shoe store,
but a six-year-old girl laughed and said,
"Men don't wear dresses!"
Obviously she hadn't seen that picture of Beto O'Rourke:

In an office building:

MICROBIOLOGY LAB -- STAPH ONLY

At a dance hall in Louisville, Kentucky:

MONARCHS LEGENDS NOVTH24 DANCE

In a convenience store, where I wasn't willing to spend 1¢.99 for a watermelon:

Identity Crisis near Centerhill Lake in Tennessee:

Changeable-letter sign at a service station:

MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE STUPID SIGN SO I DID

Bumper sticker on a pickup truck in the Ozarks:

MY WIFE IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT MARK TWAIN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL

On a Montana roadside:

Outside a muffler shop:

NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY. WE WILL HEAR YOU COMING.

Oh sure, set up a dumpster and then tell me not to use it:

But then, if I'm not going to be prosecuted:

At Kennedy Space Center, where not everything is rocket science:

NO ENRTY

At Victoria Station, London:

NO ENTRY EXCEPT FOR ACCESS

In Swansea, Wales:
(For translation of the Welsh portion, click HERE.)

At a park near our house;
where someone needed a closer look:

In a parking lot, or not:

NO PARKING IN PARKING LOT

||

On a front entrance:

NO PARKING INSIDE BUILDING VIOLATORS WILL BE TOWED!!!

Street sign by someone who fails to see the importance of punctuation:

NO PARKING VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED

||

At our favorite Mexican restaurant in Dallas,
making me glad I'm ALL MAN:

Put beside the road by someone who thinks you have unlimited fuel:

NO STOPPING ANY TIME

At a parking lot in Richardson, Texas,
it's okay to trespass during business hours, but

NO TRESPASSING
AFTER BUSINESS HOURS

Similarly, on a fence in Old Town, Spring, Texas:

NO TRESPASSING AFTER 8 P M

Trespassing other places is allowed, but:

NO TRESPASSING BEYOND THIS POINT

Break the law only when it's legal:

NO TRESPASSING UNLESS AUTHORIZED

||

Placed by the Arizona DOT at the Petrified Forest NP exit:

NO TRUCKS - DELIVERIES EXPECTED

In the Corbett National Park, Uttar Pradesh, India:

NOTICE: RAMGANGA RIVER IS INHABITED BY CROCODILES. SWIMMING IS PROHIBITED. SURVIVORS WILL BE PROSECUTED.

||

In a grocery store, in the produce department:

NOTICE! TAKE LETTUCE FROM TOP OF STACK, OR HEADS WILL ROLL!

On a truck belonging to—of all things—a SIGN company:

NOW HIRING QUALIFIED TRUCK & SHOP PERSONNEL APPLY AT OFFFICE

On a Burger King^®
that believes in equal opportunity
(but not equal pay):

NOW HIRING 2 FISH FOR $3

Beside a divided highway:

In front of a duplex on a busy street in Stratford-upon-Avon:

P A R K   P R E T T I L Y   P L E A S E

On a video game in an arcade:

PARENTAL ADVISORY WARNING This Game Classified Suitable For All Ages

At many fast-food restaurants:

PARKING FOR DRIVE-THROUGH CUSTOMERS ONLY

||

In a convenience store window:

PAY AS YOU GO INTERNET ACCESS PREPAY YOUR WAY ONLINE
Is it pay-as-you-go, or is it prepay? How can you prepay on-line before you have internet access?

In an English cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

Where you have permission to yell really loud:

On the day-care door in a fitness center,
making me wonder where the kids are supposed to play:

PLAYROOM (Parents Only)

Inside a bowling alley:

PLEASE BE QUIET. WE NEED TO HEAR A PIN DROP.

At a zoo:

PLEASE BE SAFE. DO NOT STAND, SIT, CLIMB OR LEAN ON ZOO FENCES. IF YOU FALL, ANIMALS COULD EAT YOU AND THAT MIGHT MAKE THEM SICK. THANK YOU.

On an office door in the T.P.D. warehouse:

PLEASE KEEP DOOR CLOSED. OPEN DOOR SLOWLY. THANK YOU.

On a front entrance:

- PLEASE - NO SMOKING, FOOD, DRINK OR GORILLAS

On a gas pump, department of redundancy department:

PLEASE PRE-PAY FIRST AFTER DARK

In the free weight area of a YMCA:

PLEASE PUT DUMBBELLS IN THEIR PROPER PLACE

In a bathroom stall:

PLEASE READ. THESE ARE WATER SAVING TANKS REQUIRED BY THE CITY. PLEASE FLUSH OFTEN WHILE IN USE. THANKS!

At a registration desk:

PLEASE SIGN IN, BUT PRINT

In the Hayden Planetarium, NYC:

PLEASE turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children

In a rural area in Georgia:

At a polo field, where apparently no games are ever played:

POSITIVELY NO HORSES PEOPLE OR VEHICLES ON THE POLO FIELDS AT ANY TIME

On a wall:

POSTED NO BILLS

Invitation for burglars to come after hours:

PROPERTY UNDER SURVEILLANCE DURING STORE HOURS

On a maternity room door:

PUSH, PUSH, PUSH

Apparently in a place where the men have no common sense:

Footpath warning:

QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

||

Changeable-letter sign at a business:

QU!T 5T3AL!NG O R LETT3R$

At a fertilizer dealer in Whitesboro, Texas:

RAIN   IN   FOR   CAST

On a Safeway store in Louisville, Colorado:

RE-GRAND OPENING

On I-90 in Illinois:

REPORT DRIVERS USING A CELL PHONE. PLEASE CALL *99.

On many roads, implying I've been going an unsafe speed:

RESUME SAFE SPEED

||

Lighted highway sign in Allen, Texas:

On a road apparently being worked on by a foreign construction crew:

ROAD BROCK

On a building materials warehouse:

ROOFING WINDOWS FLOORING DOORS
Roofing windows are called skylights, but I'm unfamiliar with flooring doors.

Menu item featured in large letters on the exterior of a convenience store:

RUEBEN

On some oceanside piers in Alaska:

SAFETY LADDER USE AT YOUR OWN RISK

On a church building in Highland, Indiana:

ST JAMES THE LESS CATHOLIC CHURCH

At a retailer:

SALES PROS WANTED NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

On a fence:

|	|	|	|	|	|	|
SALESMEN WELCOME. DOG FOOD IS EXPENSIVE.
|	|	|	|	|	|	|

In a convenience store with a really, really good fridge:

SANDWICHES AND STUFF F r e s h   S i n c e   1 9 4 2

On a garbage truck:

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR DOUBLE YOUR TRASH BACK

Instructions in I-forget-where:

SERVE ALL NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINKS TO CHILDREN IN PLASTIC CUPS

Pizza shop slogan:

SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT PIZZA MAKES ONE WEAK.

Common street sign, insensitive department:

SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY

||

On a street, I forget where:

SLOW PARKING AHEAD

||

On the roadside:

Written by the [apostrophically-challenged] boss on an unusable skid of boxes:

SMELL'S LIKE KEROSENE

In an outdoor sports area:

SOCCER   NOT ALLOWED SOCCER   MAY   ONLY BE   PLAYED   IN ARCHERY   RANGE.

On an out-of-order piece of equipment in Bally's fitness center:

SORRY PARTS ON ORDER

Painted on pavement:

S O T P

Next time you have sparies that need to be painted, visit our Walmart:

Traffic sign advising exhibitionists to slow down:

SPEED LIMIT 20 WHEN FLASHING

||

Vandalized sign that is [apparently] in the imaginations of many drivers:

On a booth at the Kentucky State Fair:

SUICIDE SURVIVORS

Billboard near Louisville, Kentucky:

TATTOO CHARLIE'S --- DONE WHILE YOU WAIT
|	|	|	|	|	|

Homemade sign made by a protester:

TEACH OUR CHILDREN READING, WRITING, ARITHETIC, NOT GAMBLING

Interesting way to refer to all purchases:

10% off Purchases up to $20 and more

In a commercial district in Plano, Texas:

Tex-Mex Grill
SLEEP EXPERTS

Billboard appealing to cannibals:

THE COLONEL'S ALL YOU CAN EAT
|	|	|	|	|	|	|

On a fence post by a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

| | |

At Baylor University Stadium:

THERE   IS   NO   I   IN   TEEM

In a church yard:

THERE WILL BE NO CHRISTIAN ENDEAVOR THIS SUMMER

Billboard placed by a religious group:

THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE? We can help!

Sign in New York City, possibly made by an ESL student:

THIS AREA UNDER SURVALLIANCE

Sign in John's Backyard Grill, a Dallas bussines:

THIS DOOR TO REMAIN UNLOCKED DURING BUSSINES HOURS

At the G. W. Bush museum, where you can smoke as long as it's not tobacco:

On a church door in England:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE ENTRANCE.)

In a podiatrist's office:

TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS

At Ocean Drive in Corpus Christi, Texas:

TO CROSS OCEAN PUSH BUTTON WAIT FOR WALK SIGNAL

||

In a British loo:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER - - - PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

On a trash can, of all places:

TRASH ONLY

At a restaurant with an unusual:

TRY OUR FRESH BAKED CINNAMON

By the road in Omaha:

TURN RIGHT TO GO LEFT

The four-for-a-penny special in Plano, Texas:

.25¢ CARWASH

On a curb in Garland, Texas:

24 HR PARKING ONLY

In a cleaner's window,
leaving me to wonder how much it costs to clean the WHOLE garment:

$264 MOST GARMENT

In a grocery store:

2 / $5 $2.50 each Save $1.38 on 2

At a McDonald's restaurant now selling writing utensils(?):

2   F O R   $ 2   B I C M A C

In a store:

UNATTENDED CHILDREN WILL BE GIVEN AN EXPRESSO AND A FREE PUPPY

On an ice machine:

USE SCOOP - - - NO HANDS

By the road in Kentucky:

USED COWS FOR SALE

| |

On the back of an overturned truck:

WANTED: EXPERIENCED DRIVERS

In a restaurant window:

WANTED: MAN TO WASH DISHES AND TWO WAITRESSES

On the street near Greenleaf Landscaping in Sherman, Texas:

At an alley entrance in Dallas:

WATCH FOR CHILDREN BACKING AUTOS

||

Traffic sign, duh department:

WATER ON ROAD WHEN RAINING

||

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR ~ THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

At a towing company:

WE DON'T CHARGE AN ARM AND A LEG. WE WANT YOUR TOWS.

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING--BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN

On a restaurant markee:

WE HAVE CRAWFISH NOW HIRING THE BEST GUMBO IN TOWN

On the outside door of an International House Of Pancakes:

WE HAVE MENUS IN BRAILLE.

On a taxidermist's window:

WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF

On a plumbers truck:

WE REPAIR WHAT YOUR HUSBAND FIXED

Do they only have one mask? Is it for sale or is it free?
In a store in Saigon Mall:

At a gas station:

WE WILL NOT SELL GASOLINE TO ANYONE IN GLASS CONTAINERS

In a hospital cafeteria:

WE WILL NOW BE SERVING BREAKFAST SANDWICHES ALL DAY 6:00 am - 2:00 pm

On the BACK of a truck:

WE'RE BEHIND YOU ALL THE WAY

Where they are happy to serve in "whatever" capacity:

In a non-Inglish-spikking country:

WELCOM TURIST WE SPIK INGLISH

I have no words:

In the Hartwell Y:

On a door in Spring, Texas:

WELCOME FRIENDS AND RELATIVES -=- APPOINTMENTS ONLY -=-

At the Arkansas state line:

Bragging about the dependability of the local police
(or maybe not):

WHEN THE SECONDS COUNT, WE'RE THERE IN MINUTES.

Boastful sign on an Austin lot that didn't look that big to me:

WHOLE EARTH PARKING

||

On the road to the bakery (?):

On a restaurant door:

WOMEN ARE NOT SERVED HERE. YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR OWN.

Beside a restroom door:

WOMEN NO DOGS ALLOWED

In a conspicuous place in an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK   THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY   PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR   FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

At a crosswalk in Valdosta, Georgia:

YEILD

On a highway approaching the next Buc-ee's inconvenience store:

In the Dallas County Assistant Clerk's office:

YOU MUST EXIT THE BUILDING TO SMOKE AT LEAST 25 FEET

At the [un]welcome desk of the CCCC fitness center:

YOU MUST PRESENT I.D. TO USE FACILITY. YOU WILL BE ASKED TO LEAVE!

Bumper sticker on an old VW bus:

0 - 55 IN 11 MINUTES

Hours posted by someone who can't decide which system to use:

07:30 AM - 16:00 PM

In a grocery store with really expensive turkeys:

---

On a drink machine, with someone's handwritten addition:

DIET COLA ISN'T WORKING TRY EXERCISE AND A LOW-CARB DIET

Inside a Harding University girls' dorm, with someone's handwritten addition:

DO NOT EXIT! DOOR IS ALARMED!   THE WINDOW IS PRETTY CALM,     THOUGH.

In the T.P.D. warehouse breakroom, with someone's handwritten addition:

DO NOT THROW FOREIGN OBJECTS DOWN THE SINK ONLY U.S. ONES

At an Exxon in Cedar Park, Texas, with someone's handwritten addition:

PRE-PAY BEFORE FUELING POST-PAY AFTERWARD

On a college campus, with someone's handwritten addition:

SHOES ARE REQUIRED TO EAT IN THE CAFETERIA. SOCKS CAN EAT ANYWHERE THEY WANT.

---

Two signs on the same post:

CEMETARY LANE

DEAD END

||

Two signs on the same post in Westfield, New Jersey:

DO NOT ENTER

ENTRANCE ONLY

||

Adjacent signs on a store:

GOING OUT OF BUSINESS
N O W   H I R I N G

Consecutive signs on a frontage road:

LEFT LANE MUST ENTER TOLLWAY
LEFT LANE CLOSED

Adjacent signs at the E.D.S. pool:

LIFEGUARD ON DUTY
POOL CLOSED

Signs publicizing sermon topics at adjacent church buildings in Georgia:

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR
WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE

Two signs on the same post:

NO PARKING HERE TO CORNER

TWO HOUR PARKING

||

Two signs on the same door at Collin College:

NO ENTRANCE! NO ENTRANCE!

TEAM ENTRANCE ONLY

Two signs on the same post at an I-81 rest stop:

NO PETS ALLOWED

ALL PETS MUST BE ON LEASH

| |

Two more signs on the same post:

NO STOPPING ANY TIME

STOP
FOR PEDESTRIAN IN CROSSWALK

||

Two stickers on the same bumper:

ONE WORLD, ONE PEOPLE

C E L E B R A T E   D I V E R S I T Y

Directions on the same end of one box:

OPEN OTHER END
THIS END UP

Adjacent signs in a restaurant:

RESTROOMS >>>
PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED

Adjacent signs in a convenience store near Hurricane, Utah:

R E S T R O O M S
SEATING CAPACITY 36

Adjacent signs in the foyer of a commercial building:

ROBERTSON'S SOUND STUDIO	EAR PIERCING

Two signs on the same post:

STOP

NO STOPPING OR STANDING

||

Adjacent signs on the Black Bear Inn, Red River, New Mexico:

W E L C O M E
NO VACANCY

Two signs on the outside of the same door of a store in Richardson, Texas:

WELCOME TO ROSS.
E X I T   O N L Y

---

A cousin of mine made a sign at the location of a family reunion. It read:

PARKING ENTERANCE

When some of us chided her about the misspelling, she changed it:

PARKING ENTERENCE

---

Click on this street sign to see its context.

Click on this EXIT sign to check out some signage spotted by my sister-in-law.

---

Parting shot:

The following map is of course, fictitious, but my sister really did see a locator sign with a map labeled
"YOUR HEAR."

---

Okay, time to stop. I mean, time to go.

THE RUSSLER
Word Wild Web
Dumb Things People Say
Lien À Trois
Elmwood Court
E-mail