New & Improved! *
Dumb Things Advertisers Say
Note for non-Latin-speaking readers: The notation "sic" is placed in some
entries to assure you that I am faithfully reproducing the original;
i.e. the misprint is not on my part.
- Africa: Glamour. Decadence. Murder. Hundreds of secretarial opportunities.
- ¬ Nine To Five magazine
- All positions are open until filled.
- ¬ radio ad
- Always Broke? Stop Living Payday To Payday
- ¬ magazine cover
- Ambulance Service -- Non-Emergency
Sims Funeral Home
- ¬ yellow pages listing
- American flag, 60 stars - pole included. $100
- ¬ want ad
- Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
- ¬ want ad
- "And lest we not forget, Watson," I gently chided.
- ¬ ad from Sterling Software, whose forte is computer programming,
not English
- (I really miss not seeing ads like this!)
- Applications are invited from persons regardless of sex, sexuality, marital
status, pregnancy, ethnic background or physical impalement.
- ¬ Sydney Australia Morning Herald
- Are all on-line realtors created equal? No, there's only one!
- ¬ radio ad
- (Huh? There's only one that's created equal? Equal to what?)
- Bar S sliced bologna -- regular or tasty -- save 30¢ on 2
- ¬ grocery store ad
- Blow-Out Sale
- ¬ tire store sign
- Boomerangs: They're making a comeback!
- ¬ Benton
- Bring a friend, and each of you can receive a facial for the price
of one facial.
- ¬ radio ad
- (I get one for the price of one, and you get one for the
price of one! Such a deal!)
- Bring a smile to a child's face with a life-threatening illness.
- ¬ Sears ad
- Bring This Billboard In For A Free Lunch
- ¬ billboard on I-35 near Gainesville, Texas
- BUY ONE, GET ONE
- ¬ common come-on
- (Yeah, I would hope that if I bought one I would get one.)
- Call 800-826-8086 (Central Time)
- ¬ .RTPatch® Professional
- (What's the phone number in other time zones?)
- Come to [insert store location here] for the best treats! [sic]
- ¬ Dickinson Press
- Convert existing help files into print-ready formated [sic] documents!
- ¬ ad from a company who thinks they can help you with your help
text
- Corduroy Pillows: They're making headlines!
- ¬ furniture store ad
- Cows, calves never bred. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
- ¬ want ad
- Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh
vegetables, salads, quiche.
- ¬ restaurant ad
- Director Of Advertsing [sic]
- ¬ want ad placed by company that needs one who can spell
- Display PostScript running under the Windows windowing system demonstrates
the ability to display OpenStep applications inside Windows windows,
alongside native Windows applications. This seamless window system integration
is a milestone in porting to Windows and demonstrates that OpenStep for
Windows will be a good Windows citizen.
- ¬ Next Computer release
- (going for the record number of "windows"
in the smallest space)
- Earn up to $30,000 -- and more!
- ¬ radio ad for business opportunity
- ("Up to . . . and more" means pretty much any number, right?)
- '83 Toyota hunchback. $2000.
- ¬ want ad
- Enthusiastic and alive with a desire to lead others
- ¬ excerpt from a job description for a Minister Of Music
- (Dead people need not apply.)
- Everything .98¢
- ¬ store in Montgomery, Alabama
- . . . felt a sigh of relief
- ¬ radio commercial
- Finally--a calculator that has no equal
- ¬ manufacturer whose forte is math, not English
- Food Stamps Excepted
- ¬ roadside stand
- Foot tasting, arranged through the courtesy of Marks & Spencers and Safeway,
gives customers a rare chance to try some of those more exotic flavors.
- ¬ Nags Head Shopping Centre
- For Pain and Stomach Upset -- do not use if pouch is opened
- ¬ pill package label
- (I swallowed them without opening the pouch. My stomach got
worse.)
- For sale by owner: Complete set of encyclopedia britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last weekend. Wife knows everything.
- ¬ want ad
- For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man), $50.
- ¬ want ad
- For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened.
- ¬ want ad
- Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be
reward.
- ¬ want ad
- Free Blood Pressure
- ¬ in-store sign
- Free: farm kittens. ready to eat.
- ¬ want ad
- Free internet access . . . $99°°
- ¬ newspaper ad
- Free 1 can of pork & beans w/ purchase of 3BR 2 bath home.
- ¬ want ad
- Free Puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
- ¬ want ad
- Free Puppies: part German shepherd, part stupid dog
- ¬ want ad
- Free Refills . . . . . . . 1.25
- ¬ menu item at Felipe's, Wichita, KS
- FREE TO GOOD HOME
Beautiful 6 mo. old male kitten -- orange & caramel tabby,
playful, friendly very affectionate, ideal for family w/ kids.
OR
Handsome 32 yr. old husband -- personable, funny, good job, but
doesn't like cats. Says he goes or cat goes.
Call Jennifer -- 265-5543 -- come see both and decide which you'd like.
- ¬ want ad
- Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
- ¬ want ad
- Fully cooked boneless smoked man, $2.09 lb
- ¬ grocery store ad
- Genuine Imitation Jungle Boots
- ¬ newspaper ad
- Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb.
- ¬ grocery store ad
- German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
- ¬ ad placed by member of the master race
- Get 500 free minutes of airtime for only $50.
- ¬ come-on by cell phone salesman
- Going back to school was the best thing I ever done.
- ¬ TV commercial
- Ground beast, 99 cents/lb
- ¬ store ad
- Guests who kill talk show hosts -- on the last Geraldo.
- ¬ anonymous
- (I think it was just made up, huh?)
- Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
- ¬ public notice
- How to Speak and Write Like A Colleg [sic] Graduate
- ¬ Norfolk Virginian-Pilot
- Hummels - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"
- ¬ store ad
- I Love Taekwondo . . . Kim's Marital Arts
- ¬ newspaper ad
- I.R.S. -- We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- ¬ anonymous
- (Another made-up one?)
- If we weren't different, we'd be the same.
- ¬ radio ad
- If you have one of these symptoms, please call this 800
number. . . .
Death, Heartburn, . . .
- ¬ TV ad for a lawsuit against a prescription drug
- If you sign up today for a full year's service by February 10th, . . .
- ¬ radio ad
- (Do I need to sign up today, or just by February 10th?)
- (Or are they saying I have to use up a full year's service by February 10th?)
- In reply to your valued enquiry, we enclose illustrations of Dining
Tables of Oak, seating fourteen people with round legs and twelve
people with square legs, with prices attached.
- ¬ Huntly Express
- Inventory Reduction Sale
- ¬ common ad
- (Isn't inventory reduction the norm?)
- It feels like your favorite easy chair. Only faster.
- ¬ ad for Regal automobiles
- (That fast, eh?)
- Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer, $300.
- ¬ want ad
- Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.
- ¬ sign advertising company-wide skiing race
- List Price $6.00 / AMS Price $63.95 / You Save -965.83%
- ¬ E-commerce screen
- Lost: Beagle, partly blind, hard of hearing, castrated; answers to the
name of Lucky
- ¬ someone hoping to get Lucky again
- Maternity sweater, $52. Comes in unisex sizes.
- ¬ J. Crew
- May 30 has been designated the Memorial Day holiday. There will be no
sanitation on that day.
- ¬ city of Richardson, Texas
- Mobil Media requires a minimum six-month contract and will be charged a
$15 setup fee.
- ¬ radio ad
- Move in by March 31st. Pay no rent until April 1st!
- ¬ good deal from apartment complex
- My husband, who hardly ever listens to the radio anymore, has this one on
all the time.
- ¬ from an ad for the Bose wave radio
- (He has it on but doesn't listen?)
- My name was printed incorrectly below my letter in the December 30 issue
of the Sevenoaks Chronicle. It should read L P Pook, not L P Hook.
(signed) L P Hook
- ¬ Sevenoaks Chronicle
- No admission!
- ¬ excerpt from a lot of ads for various events
(which apparently you can't get into)
- No matter what your top coat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
- ¬ inventor whose forte is chemistry, not English
- Nordic Track $300 / Hardly used, call Chubbie
- ¬ Chubbie
- Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87
near Southridge Storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked.
Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
- ¬ public notice
- Now you can borrow enough money to get out of debt.
- ¬ finance company
- Now you can own the number one car in America for two consecutive years.
- ¬ radio ad
- (What if I want to own it for longer than that?)
- 1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
- ¬ want ad, possibly placed by congressman or televangelist
- Open House, Body Shapers Toning Salon. Free coffee & donuts.
- ¬ ad placed by someone who wants repeat customers
- Our buyers goofed! We're overstocked!
- ¬ common come-on
- (Or are all those buyers really incompetent?)
- Our sofa seats the whole mob, and it's made from 100% Italian leather.
- ¬ furniture company (no longer in business)
- Paint job, $220. Come in for a free estimate.
- ¬ radio announcer
- Paintless Auto Hail Removal
- ¬ flyer placed under my windshield wiper
- (Yes, I have some hail I need removed. Is this only for paintless cars?)
- PASS-ALONG APPLICATION
I wish to receive a free subscription to CIO magazine.
[ ] Yes [ ] No
- ¬ excerpt from card in CIO magazine
- (Why is there a "no" choice on a pass-along application?)
- Personal Announcements: S.Paraskos and Helen Walker would like to announce
that they are no longer engaged.
Engagement: S.Paraskos of Paphos, Cyprus,
and Nicola Jared of UK would like to announce their enagement.
- ¬ Cyprus Weekly
- Repair your own VCR -- easy how-to video
- ¬ newspaper ad
- Restaurant Assistant Manager: Applicants with the necessary experience
need not apply.
- ¬ Hong Kong South China Morning Post
- Save on one package of any Oscar Meyer FREE Hot Dogs!
- ¬ magazine coupon
- Selection As Big As The North Pole.
- ¬ newspaper ad
- Sewer / Manhole Repair Worker -- experienced only. Immediate opening.
- ¬ Oakland Tribune
- Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.
- ¬ want ad
-
Sick of your:
Job-Boss-Paycheck-Life?
My Business Is Growing To Fast!!!!
[sic]
$800-4000/mo. Part-Time
work at home - work at the office - just work
no age limit - no experience - just cash!!!
CAII 504-6367 TODAY
- ¬ card placed on my windshield by someone whose forte is unknown,
but certainly not English
- Singer for new rock band. Must be male or female.
- ¬ Camdenton Missouri Reveille / Lake Sun
- Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
- ¬ want ad
- Star Wars Job Of The Hut -- $15.
- ¬ want ad
- Superior Physic can and will help. . . . God gifted acts
for Superior Physic, helps where other phsycics have
failed. . . . Terral, palm and crystal readings available.
Superior Physic is guaranteed to help!
- ¬ McKinney Courier-Gazette
- (Can you read my mind? I'm thinking about the spelling of the word
"psychic." And the word "tarot.")
- Taste them again for the very first time.
- ¬ Corn Flakes
- Tell your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems.
- ¬ TV spot
- (Isn't it my doctor's job to tell me that?)
- The city of Fort Worth will be closed Monday, September 6.
- ¬ public announcement
- The more you buy, the more you save!
- ¬ common come-on
- (Wouldn't it be more honest to say
"The less you buy, the more you save"?)
- These items may or may not be available at all times, and sometimes not at
all and other times all the time.
- ¬ notice on menu in Fort Bragg, California
- 3 Days and 2 Nights in Sunny Daytona Beach, FL
- ¬ fax ad
- (I didn't realize it was sunny even at night in Daytona!)
- This going-out-of-business sale is for a limited time only.
- ¬ radio ad
- (Of course, I wouldn't trust them if their going-out-of-business sale
was always on!)
-
This Is A FREE TICKET
It's Not Good For Anything
It's Just Free
- - - - - - - - - -
KEEP THIS STUB
It is helpful in filling
up space in billfolds,
pockets, and drawers.
- ¬ card I found lying around
- (I wasn't lying around; the card was.)
- Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, excellent
condition. $6800
- ¬ want ad
- Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
- ¬ newspaper ad
- 2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger; 1 3-finger, pair: $15
- ¬ want ad
- VoiceStream Wireless
2600 min. 39.99
4000 min. 99.99
- ¬ sign in Wichita, Kansas
- (The smaller deal is 1.5¢ per minute,
and the bigger deal is 2.5¢ per minute; I don't get it!)
- Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work;
know how to cook; must own tracter -- send photo of tractor.
- ¬ personal ad