New & Improved! *

Dumb Things Advertisers Say

"In the world of advertising,
there's no such thing as a lie.
There's only the expedient exaggeration."
--Roger Thornhill, in North By Northwest

Note for non-Latin-speaking readers: The notation "sic" is placed in some entries to assure you that I am faithfully reproducing the original; i.e. the misprint is not on my part.

Africa: Glamour. Decadence. Murder. Hundreds of secretarial opportunities.
¬ Nine To Five magazine
All day starting at 1 PM.
¬ Shuck N' Jive's Annual Crawfish Boil
All positions are open until filled.
¬ radio ad
Always Broke? Stop Living Payday To Payday
¬ magazine cover
(Yeah, if I could just stop living during those periods . . .)
Ambulance Service -- Non-Emergency
Sims Funeral Home
¬ yellow pages listing
American flag, 60 stars - pole included. $100
¬ want ad
Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
¬ want ad
"And lest we not forget, Watson," I gently chided.
¬ ad from Sterling Software, whose forte is computer programming, not English
(I really miss not seeing ads like this!)
ANY YARD . . . ANY SIZE $20.00.
Call for a Free Estimate
¬ Lawn Maintenance flyer left on my door
Applications are invited from persons regardless of sex, sexuality, marital status, pregnancy, ethnic background or physical impalement.
¬ Sydney, Australia Morning Herald
Are all on-line realtors created equal? No, there's only one!
¬ radio ad
(Huh? There's only one that's created equal? Equal to what?)
Bar S sliced bologna -- regular or tasty -- save 30¢ on 2
¬ grocery store ad
Blow-Out Sale
¬ tire store sign
Boomerangs: They're making a comeback!
¬ Benton
Bring a friend, and each of you can receive a facial for the price of one facial.
¬ radio ad
(I get one for the price of one, and you get one for the price of one! Such a deal!)
Bring a smile to a child's face with a life-threatening illness.
¬ Sears ad
Bring This Billboard In For A Free Lunch
¬ billboard on I-35 near Gainesville, Texas
But wait! Order right now!
¬ TV ad
Do they want me to order right now or to wait?
BUY ONE, GET ONE
¬ common come-on
(Yeah, I would hope that if I bought one I would get one.
Now, buying one and getting two, that would be a bargain.)
Buy one restraining order, get one free!
¬ attorney in Fresno, California
Call 800-826-8086 (Central Time)
¬ .RTPatch^® Professional
(What's the phone number in other time zones?)
CANDY 95 . . . We're number one among those who say we're their favorite radio station!
¬ KNDE 95.1 FM, College Station, Texas
Cinco de Mayo, Sunday May 3rd
¬ West End, Dallas
Come to [insert store location here] for the best treats! [sic]
¬ Dickinson Press
Convert existing help files into print-ready formated [sic] documents!
¬ ad from a company who thinks they can hep you with your hep text
Corduroy Pillows: They're making headlines!
¬ furniture store ad
Cows, calves never bred. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
¬ want ad
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
¬ restaurant ad
Director Of Advertsing [sic]
¬ want ad placed by company that needs one who can spell
Display PostScript running under the Windows windowing system demonstrates the ability to display OpenStep applications inside Windows windows, alongside native Windows applications. This seamless window system integration is a milestone in porting to Windows and demonstrates that OpenStep for Windows will be a good Windows citizen.
¬ Next Computer release
(going for the record number of "windows" in the smallest space)
Earn up to $30,000 -- and more!
¬ radio ad for business opportunity
("Up to . . . and more" means pretty much any number, right?)
'83 Toyota hunchback. $2000.
¬ want ad
Enthusiastic and alive with a desire to lead others
¬ excerpt from a job description for a Minister Of Music
(Dead people need not apply.)
Every Day with Rachael Ray: Sign me up for the monthly newsletter!
¬ on-line offer
(And pay annually every week!)
Everything .98¢
¬ store in Montgomery, Alabama
. . . felt a sigh of relief
¬ radio ad
Finally--a calculator that has no equal
¬ manufacturer whose forte is math, not English
$5.95 -or- $15/mo.
¬ offer on Musician's Friend web site
Food Stamps Excepted
¬ roadside stand
Foot tasting, arranged through the courtesy of Marks & Spencers and Safeway, gives customers a rare chance to try some of those more exotic flavors.
¬ Nags Head Shopping Centre
For Pain and Stomach Upset -- do not use if pouch is opened
¬ pill package label
(I swallowed them without opening the pouch. My stomach got worse.)
For sale by owner: Complete set of encyclopedia britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
¬ want ad
For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
¬ Grant County Herald
For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man), $50.
¬ want ad
For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened.
¬ want ad
For sale: Red storage building, slightly damaged. Will not last long.
¬ Dublin Citizen
For sale: two cemetery plots in Texas. Can be moved.
¬ want ad
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
¬ want ad
Found: Keys at the Diversion Cam rest stop with fob that says "Keys I Haven't Lost Yet."
¬ classified ad
FREE and Confidential
Insurance may cover up to 100% of treatment cost.
¬ counseling service
(I love it when my insurance covers 100% of free!)
Free Blood Pressure
¬ in-store sign
Free: farm kittens. ready to eat.
¬ want ad
Free internet access . . . $99°°
¬ newspaper ad
Free 1 can of pork & beans w/ purchase of 3BR 2 bath home.
¬ want ad
Free Pre-Paid Cremation
¬ Neptune Society
(I have to pre-pay for something free?)
Free Puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
¬ want ad
Free Puppies: part German shepherd, part stupid dog
¬ want ad
Free Refills . . . . . . . 1.25
¬ menu item at Felipe's, Wichita, KS
FREE TO GOOD HOME
Beautiful 6 mo. old male kitten -- orange & caramel tabby, playful, friendly very affectionate, ideal for family w/ kids.
OR
Handsome 32 yr. old husband -- personable, funny, good job, but doesn't like cats. Says he goes or cat goes.
Call Jennifer -- 265-5543 -- come see both and decide which you'd like.
¬ want ad
Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
¬ want ad
Fully cooked boneless smoked man, $2.09 lb
¬ grocery store ad
Genuine Imitation Jungle Boots
¬ newspaper ad
Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb.
¬ grocery store ad
German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
¬ ad placed by member of the master race
Get 50% off or half price, whichever is less.
¬ newspaper ad
Get 500 free minutes of airtime for only $50.
¬ come-on by cell phone salesman
Going back to school was the best thing I ever done.
¬ TV commercial
Ground beast, 99 cents/lb
¬ store ad
Guests who kill talk show hosts -- on the last Geraldo.
¬ anonymous
(I think it was just made up, huh?)
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
¬ public notice
Help wanted: Boiler operator. Previous clinical experience with gynecology patients required.
¬ classified ad
Horses for Sale! Stallion 2 yrs. old for $500. Mayor 3 yrs. old for $1,000.
¬ Gainesville Sun
How complete beginners can start speak a new language in 3 just weeks.
¬ online ad for language learning
How to Speak and Write Like A Colleg [sic] Graduate
¬ Norfolk Virginian-Pilot
Hummels - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"
¬ store ad
I Love Taekwondo . . . Kim's Marital Arts
¬ newspaper ad
I.R.S. -- We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
¬ anonymous
(Another made-up one?)
If we weren't different, we'd be the same.
¬ radio ad
If you have one of these symptoms, please call this 800 number. . . . Death, Heartburn, . . .
¬ TV ad for a lawsuit against a prescription drug
If you have over forty eyes and have noticed how your vision has changed . . .
¬ radio ad
If you sign up today for a full year's service by February 10th, . . .
¬ radio ad
(Do I need to sign up today, or just by February 10th?)
(Or are they saying I have to use up a full year's service by February 10th?)
In reply to your valued enquiry, we enclose illustrations of Dining Tables of Oak, seating fourteen people with round legs and twelve people with square legs, with prices attached.
¬ Huntly Express
Incredible blanket instantly puts humans in a deep sleep in minutes.
¬ on-line ad
(They are right. That is not credible.)
Inventory Reduction Sale
¬ common ad
(Isn't inventory reduction the norm?)
It feels like your favorite easy chair. Only faster.
¬ ad for Regal automobiles
(That fast, eh?)
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer, $300.
¬ want ad
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.
¬ sign advertising company-wide skiing race
List Price $6.00 / AMS Price $63.95 / You Save -965.83%
¬ E-commerce screen
Lost: Beagle, partly blind, hard of hearing, castrated; answers to the name of Lucky
¬ someone hoping to get Lucky again
Lost: one wedding ring, in the parking lot of Hooters
¬ want ad
Maternity sweater, $52. Comes in unisex sizes.
¬ J. Crew
May 30 has been designated the Memorial Day holiday. There will be no sanitation on that day.
¬ city of Richardson, Texas, which is pretty clean 364 days a year
Mobil Media requires a minimum six-month contract and will be charged a $15 setup fee.
¬ radio ad
(Well, at least the customer won't be charged a setup fee.)
Move in by March 31st. Pay no rent until April 1st!
¬ good deal from apartment complex
My husband, who hardly ever listens to the radio anymore, has this one on all the time.
¬ from an ad for the Bose wave radio
(He has it on but doesn't listen?)
My name was printed incorrectly below my letter in the December 30 issue of the Sevenoaks Chronicle. It should read L P Pook, not L P Hook.
(signed) L P Hook
¬ Sevenoaks Chronicle
No admission!
¬ excerpt from a lot of ads for various events (which apparently you can't get into)
No matter what your top coat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
¬ inventor whose forte is chemistry, not English
Nordic Track $300 / Hardly used, call Chubbie
¬ Chubbie
Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87 near Southridge Storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
¬ public notice
Now you can borrow enough money to get out of debt.
¬ finance company
Now you can own the number one car in America for two consecutive years.
¬ radio ad
(What if I want to own it for longer than that?)
One additional week only! April 25th and 26th
¬ radio ad for real estate deal
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
¬ want ad, possibly placed by congressman or televangelist
Only quiet living people need apply.
¬ house-for-rent ad in The Advertiser
(Noise is a no-no, but dead people are really unwelcome!)

Open House, Body Shapers Toning Salon. Free coffee and donuts.
¬ ad placed by someone who wants repeat customers
Our buyers goofed! We're overstocked!
¬ common come-on
(Or are all those buyers really incompetent?)
Our sofa seats the whole mob, and it's made from 100% Italian leather.
¬ furniture company (no longer in business)
Over 300 people in Napa Valley are assaulted each year. Volunteer to help.
¬ The Register
Paint job, $220. Come in for a free estimate.
¬ radio announcer
Paintless Auto Hail Removal
¬ flyer placed under my windshield wiper
(Yes, I have some hail I need removed. Is this only for paintless cars?)
PASS-ALONG APPLICATION
I wish to receive a free subscription to CIO magazine. [ ] Yes [ ] No
¬ excerpt from card in CIO magazine
(Why is there a "no" choice on a pass-along application?)
Personal Announcements: S.Paraskos and Helen Walker would like to announce that they are no longer engaged.
Engagement: S.Paraskos of Paphos, Cyprus, and Nicola Jared of UK would like to announce their enagement.
¬ Cyprus Weekly
Repair your own VCR -- easy how-to video
¬ newspaper ad
Restaurant Assistant Manager: Applicants with the necessary experience need not apply.
¬ Hong Kong South China Morning Post
Save on one package of any Oscar Meyer FREE Hot Dogs!
¬ magazine coupon
Save up to .25%
¬ EDS Credit Union
(Wow! One-fourth of one percent!)
Selection As Big As The North Pole.
¬ newspaper ad
Sewer / Manhole Repair Worker -- experienced only. Immediate opening.
¬ Oakland Tribune
Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.
¬ want ad
Sick of your:
Job-Boss-Paycheck-Life?
My Business Is Growing To Fast!!!! [sic]
$800-4000/mo. Part-Time
work at home - work at the office - just work
no age limit - no experience - just cash!!!
CAII 504-6367 TODAY
¬ card placed on my windshield by someone whose forte is unknown, but certainly not English
Singer for new rock band. Must be male or female.
¬ Camdenton, Missouri Reveille / Lake Sun
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
¬ want ad
Star Wars Job Of The Hut -- $15.
¬ want ad
Summers on it's way.
¬ DoMore Automotive Ltd
Superior Physic can and will help. . . . God gifted acts for Superior Physic, helps where other phsycics have failed. . . . Terral, palm and crystal readings available. Superior Physic is guaranteed to help!
¬ McKinney, Texas Courier-Gazette
(Can you read my mind? I'm thinking about the spelling of the word "psychic." And the word "tarot.")
Taste them again for the very first time.
¬ Corn Flakes
Tell your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems.
¬ TV spot
(Isn't it my doctor's job to tell me that?)
The city of Fort Worth will be closed Monday, September 6.
¬ public announcement from a place you can enter 364 days a year
The more you buy, the more you save!
¬ common come-on
(Wouldn't it be more honest to say "The less you buy, the more you save"?)
These items may or may not be available at all times, and sometimes not at all and other times all the time.
¬ notice on menu in Fort Bragg, California
3 bedroom house for sale: new gas furnace, new wiring and new water heater won't last long!
¬ classified ad
3 Days and 2 Nights in Sunny Daytona Beach, FL
¬ fax ad
(I didn't realize it was sunny even at night in Daytona!)
This going-out-of-business sale is for a limited time only.
¬ radio ad
(Of course, I wouldn't trust them if their going-out-of-business sale was always on!)
This Is A FREE TICKET It's Not Good For Anything It's Just Free - - - - - - - - - - KEEP THIS STUB It is helpful in filling up space in billfolds, pockets, and drawers.
¬ card I found lying around
(I wasn't lying around; the card was.)
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, excellent condition. $6800
¬ want ad
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
¬ newspaper ad
"TWO FOR ONE" SPECIAL
¬ common come-on
(I want to give them one and see of they'll give me two in return.)
2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger; 1 3-finger, pair: $15
¬ want ad
VoiceStream Wireless
2600 min. 39.99
4000 min. 99.99
¬ sign in Wichita, Kansas
(The smaller deal is 1.5¢ per minute, and the bigger deal is 2.5¢ per minute; I don't get it!)
Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know how to cook; must own tracter -- send photo of tractor.
¬ personal ad
Wanted: Lifeguard. Must be able to swim.
¬ Washington Times
Wanted: Satellite Installer
¬ ad from NASA, perhaps?
(Must be willing to travel . . . 40,000 miles round trip!)
Wanted: Tudor needed for help in English class.
¬ newspaper want ad
Watch 48 Hours in fifteen minutes!
¬ television spot
We haul off the debree.
¬ on a door hanger from L C Tree Service
We have a large selection of shirts for both mens and ladies.
¬ radio ad
(They know the ladies will be there; they want to attract the mens.)
We have your Jetta ready to roll.
¬ radio ad for a VW dealer
We meet every Friday of the month except the first and third.
¬ radio announcement
Win a FREE 2-Year Lease. Automatic Participation Each Time You Use SPEEDPASS. 8 gallon minimum. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
¬ sign a Mobil station pump
WIN FREE PRIZES! No Purchase Necessary. Details inside package.
¬ label on junk food in vending machine
You may be hurt and not know it.
¬ personal injury lawyer

Here is a pair of ads that seem to be contradictory.

Here is a single ad that seems to be contradictory.

Here is another self-contradictory ad.

I received this ad from a dating website.

I saw an ad for a piano that scared me a little bit. . . .

This is an excerpt from a real estate agent's ad that compares highest and lowest sales prices in our neighborhood.

I saw this video screen in a hospital hallway. Hopfully it was desined by an avertiser and not one of ther doctors.

I received a flyer in my door that I have reproduced word-for-word, letter-for-letter (except that I left off the phone number at the bottom). I hope you find it as entertaining as I did. . . .

A newspaper in British Columbia ran a notice for the local Christmastime events which included a rather unusual activity.

Our newspaper ran this ad for an upcoming musical. It contains an error that's common among the general public but should be nearly nonexistent among admen and journalists. See if you can spot it.

Here is an ad for a game that shows up on my phone.

And one on my phone for a spoon!

Compare & Contrast: Here are two solicitations for a piano teacher. Is this some kind of scam?

This is not exactly an ad, but check out this excerpt from a program schedule.

Here are some ads that caused translation problems when the marketing folks took them to people of other languages and cultures.

product	new language	original wording	unintended meaning
Braniff Airlines' upholstered seats	Spanish	Fly in leather.	Fly naked.
Chevrolet	Spanish	Nova	It doesn't go.
Clairol curling iron	German	Mist Stick	Manure Stick
General Motors	Flemish	Body By Fisher	Corpse By Fisher
KFC	Chinese	finger-lickin' good	eat your fingers off
Parker Pens	Spanish	To avoid embarrassment, use SuperQuink.	To avoid pregnancy, use SuperQuink.
Pepsi	Chinese	Brings you back to life.	Brings back your dead ancestors.

For more translation fun, check out "English As A Second Language."

* If it's new, it can't be improved, because there has to be an old to improve upon. If it's improved, it must not be new. . . .

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