Some Of Life's

Tough Questions

Feel free to help.


  1. A rhetorical question has the answer in it, doesn't it?
    --Ed Wharton
  2. Americans throw rice at weddings. . . . Do Asians throw hamburgers?
    --anonymous
  3. Are there Seeing Eye® people for blind dogs?
    --Rover
  4. At the Lipton® tea factory, do they allow coffee breaks?
    --anonymous
  5. Before there were drawing boards, what did people go back to?
    --The Russler
  6. Can a cross-eyed dyslexic read just fine?
    --suomynona
  7. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
    --The Russler
  8. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
    --The Russler
  9. Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
    --anonymous
  10. Can you visit a walk-in clinic if you're in a wheelchair?
    --Robert L Scott
  11. Casper, Wyoming . . . is that a ghost town?
    --The Russler
  12. Corn oil comes from corn; olive oil comes from olives. Where does baby oil come from?
    --anonymous
  13. Did Brigitte Bardot have a brother name Guylum?
    --anonymot
  14. Did you ever notice that when you join "THE" and "IRS" you get "THEIRS"?
    --anonymous
  15. Did you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
    --anonymous
  16. Did you ever wonder how fast lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
    --Rod
  17. Did you ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
    --John Mendoza
  18. Did you get the telepathic message I sent you?
    --Ken Zotigh
  19. Did you know . . . that no one ever reads these things?
    --anonymous
  20. Do blind Eskimos have Seeing Eye® sled dogs?
    --Nanook
  21. Do bookstore employees assist customers looking for the self-help section?
    --The Russler
  22. Do catfish ever cough up scale balls?
    --anonymous
  23. Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    --Hiromoto
  24. Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
    --Unix Fortune
  25. Do night watchmen in Alaska have to work six months straight?
    --Bill Schorr
  26. Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?
    --The Russler
  27. Do they have strip shopping centers in nudist colonies?
    --The Russler
  28. Do they sterilize the needle they use for a lethal injection?
    --anonymous
  29. Do you think I look fat?
    --wife
    Do you think I look stupid?
    --husband
  30. Does a golfer buy a new pair of socks every time he gets a hole in one?
    --The Russler
  31. Does a radioactive cat have eighteen half-lives?
    --anonymous
  32. Does it use more or less energy to wash my dishes by hand or in the dishwasher?
    --I.E., written to a newspaper columnist
  33. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    --Ken Zotigh
  34. Does throwing a cat out a car window create kitty litter?
    --anonymous
  35. Don't you feel more like you do now than when you started reading this?
    --The Russler
  36. During deer season, you can shoot the deer. What if it's tourist season?
    --The Russler
  37. Have you ever noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
    --anonymous
  38. Have you ever wondered if vegetarians eat animal crackers?
    --John Mendoza
  39. How can the bank charge you for nonsufficient funds when you don't have any money?
    --anonymous
  40. How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
    --Firesign Theater
  41. How can you tell if buttermilk has gone bad?
    --Kathy Scott
  42. How can you tell if your bagpipes need tuning?
    --McNamara
  43. How can you tell if you've run out of invisible ink?
    --anonymous
  44. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
    --Kathy Scott
  45. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
    --anonymous
  46. How do they get the deer to cross at that sign? Deer can't read; is that why they have the picture?
    --The Russler
  47. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
    --anonymous
  48. How many women does it take to keep a secret?
    --The Russler
  49. I've decided to fire all the yes-men, all the naysayers, and all the equivocators. What do you think?
    --my ex-boss
  50. If a cat always lands on its feet and bread always falls buttered side down, what would happen if you buttered bread and strapped it to the back of cat?
    --Michael Davis
  51. If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman around to hear, is he still wrong?
    --anonymous
  52. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    --Harpo
  53. If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    --Eve
  54. If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
    --anonymous
  55. If a tree falls in the forest when no one's around, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?
    --Gary Larson
  56. If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
    --anonymous
  57. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    --Ken
  58. If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work in television?
    --anonymous
  59. If foreign films are so good, why don't they make them here?
    --François
  60. If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?
    --anonymous carnivore
  61. If I'm in a boat and I'm bailing out, I am only getting rid of some water. But when I'm in an airplane and I'm bailing out, I have to leave?
    --The Russler
  62. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
    --anonymous (i.e. I am ignorant of the source)
  63. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
    --Victoria
  64. If most accidents happen within five miles of your home, why not move ten miles away?
    --Michael Davis
  65. If nothing sticks to Teflon®, how does it stick to the pan?
    --Ronald
  66. If "pro" is the opposite of "con," what is the opposite of "progress"?
    --anonymous
  67. If someone is a widower, why do they say he was widowed? Why don't they say he was widowered?
    --Meg Ryan
  68. If the Force of Yoda's is so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?
    --Unix Fortune
  69. If the product being advertised is so great, why is it always compared to the leading brand?
    --Ivern Bell
  70. If the seven dwarfs own a gold mine, how come they all live in one crummy little house?
    --Johnny Carson
  71. If the traffic is this slow, why is it called rush hour?
    --The Rushler
  72. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex®?
    --Art Hoppe
  73. If women don't like rude, arrogant jerks, then why is Tom Cruise so popular?
    --The Russler
  74. If you ate pasta and antipasta, wouldn't you still be hungry?
    --The Russler
  75. If you buy corn from a pirate, don't you pay a buck an ear?
    --The Russler
  76. If your father was a lawnmower and your mother was a sewing machine, how many pancakes could you stack on top of a chicken house, and why?
    --Michael S. Ellis
  77. If you're in a vehicle traveling the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
    --anonymous
  78. If you have a stomach bug, should you make an appointment with a gastroentomologist?
    --The Russler
  79. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
    --Stephen Wright
  80. If you write a book entitled "How To Fail," and it fails, is it a success?
    --Ron Luciano & David Fischer
  81. In the sports arena, why are they called "stands" if we're supposed to sit in them?
    --Kathy Scott
  82. Is a coworker someone who orks a cow?
    --The Russler
  83. Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
    --anonymous
  84. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
    --Clancy
  85. Is the guy who shovels manure for a living required to "wash hands before returning to work?"?
    --RKO
  86. Is there a website to help people who are addicted to the Internet?
    --The Russler
  87. Isn't Disneyland essentially a people trap built by a mouse?
    --anonymous
  88. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    --Marcus
  89. Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear intelligent until they speak?
    --anonymous
  90. May I ask you a question?
    --The Russler
  91. Mr. Neal, why do you always answer a question with a question?
    --The Russler
    Isn't that what Jesus did?
    --Dale Neal
  92. Notice that it's called a building, but it's already built?
    --David Beck
  93. Notice that they're called apartments, but they're all stuck together?
    --anonymous
  94. Now that Mother Teresa is retired, what does she do? Volunteer work?
    --Jody Dean
  95. Once I've gone completely bald, what will I put down for "hair color"?
    --The Russler
  96. Once you invent that universal solvent, what are you going to keep it in?
    --The Russler
  97. Playing a blank tape at full blast would probably drive the mimes crazy, wouldn't it?
    --anonymous
  98. Since 7-Eleven® is open twenty-four hours a day, why do they have locks on the doors?
    --Christine Wick
  99. The universe is everything, but scientists say it's expanding. Into what?
    --anonymous
  100. To fix a broken wood duck, should you use wood glue or duck tape?
    --The Russler
  101. To vacillate or not to vacillate? That is the question. Or is it?
    --anonymous
  102. Today the temperature is zero. Tomorrow it's going to be twice as cold. What will the temperature be tomorrow?
    --Chilly Willy
  103. What are "occasional chairs"? Do you use them when you sit at a "periodic table"?
    --The Russler
  104. What do little birdies see when they get knocked in the head?
    --Roger Rabbit
  105. What do you call leftover soup du jour?
    --Johnny Carson
  106. What good is it to bring home the bacon, when the family wants to eat out all the time?
    --Current Comedy
  107. What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
    --anonymous
  108. What if a synchronized swimmer drowns . . . ?
    --Art
  109. What if I see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    --anonymous
  110. What's another word for "thesaurus"?
    --Stephen Wright
  111. When a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    --anonymous
  112. When a seaplane touches down, why do they say it lands? Why don't they say it waters?
    --The Russler
  113. When a Smurf® is choking, what color does he turn?
    --Papa
  114. When FedEx merges with UPS, will they be Fed-Ups?
    --anonymous
  115. When people ate chicken for the first time, what did they say it tasted like?
    --Johnny Carson
  116. When lumberjacks get into politics, do they form splinter groups?
    --Ken Zotigh
  117. When signmakers go on strike, do they walk around carrying blank poster board?
    --anonymous
  118. When the guy invented sliced bread, did he say it was the greatest thing . . . ever?
    --The Russler
  119. When the plane is going faster than sound, can you talk to the person in front of you?
    --anonymous
  120. When the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he can remain silent?
    --Murphy
  121. When they ship Styrofoam®, what do they pack it in?
    --Michael Davis
  122. When you enter a spitting contest, how do you expect to rate?
    --The Russler
  123. When you fire your drummer and then hire him back, are there repercussions?
    --The Russler
  124. When you open a package of cotton balls, do you throw away the top one?
    --anonymous
  125. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
    --Rick
  126. Which is the lesser of two evils: food going to waste . . . or to waist?
    --Frances M. Schmetzer
  127. Who bought the first telephone? And why?
    --Paul Kimberly
  128. Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? And what about the two consecutive sound-alike syllables in "stutterer"?
    --The Russler
  129. Why are claustrophobia support groups so poorly attended?
    --The Russler
  130. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
    --anonymous
  131. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    --Ryan Flores
  132. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" when they are already there?
    --Larry Anderson
  133. Why do psychics ask you for your name?
    --anonymous
  134. Why do they put Braille writing on the drive-up ATMs?
    --Kathy Scott
  135. Why do they put hot dogs in packages of ten and hot dog buns in packages of eight?
    --Kathy Scott
  136. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they just put the pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
    --anonymous
  137. Why do they report power outages on TV?
    --Kathy Scott
  138. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
    --anonymous
  139. Why does a woman complain about a man leaving the toilet seat up, but a man doesn't complain about a woman leaving the toilet seat down?
    --The Russler
  140. Why does an audible voice on TV say "Close-Captioned For The Hearing Impaired"?
    --The Russler
  141. Why does an iron have a setting for "permanent press"?
    --The Russler
  142. Why does everyone think I'm paranoid?
    --Alan Alda
  143. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
    --Michael Davis
  144. Why is it called a television "set" when there's only one?
    --Kathy Scott
  145. Why is it that children seem to grow up so fast and leave home so slowly?
    --Current Comedy
  146. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
    --anonymous
  147. Why is the third hand on a watch called "the second hand"? If you pay for a brand new watch that has a second hand, do you get a second-hand watch?
    --The Russler
  148. Why is the most popular pencil still #2?
    --anonymous
  149. Why is there an expiration date on this sour cream?
    --Derry
  150. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
    --Lily Tomlin
  151. ¿¡Why isn't there an upside-down period at the beginning of a statement in Spanish!?
    --The Russler
  152. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
    --Tom
  153. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
    --Phoebe
  154. Why press the button harder on a remote control with a dead battery?
    --anonymous
  155. Why wait for the pig to be dead to cure it?
    --Porky
  156. Would a network exec who cancels a soap opera be considered a serial killer?
    --The Russler
  157. You know that little indestructible black box on the airplane? Why don't they use that material to make the entire airplane?
    --anonymous

If you think you know the source of a quote that I have marked "anonymous" or any other single name, send me an E-mail.

THE RUSSLER
Word Wild Web
Dumb Things People Say
Lien À Trois
Elmwood Court
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