Before making his hospital rounds, the doctor likes to get an update on his
patients from the on-duty nurse. . . .
- Doctor:
How does Mr. Smith feel about his recent brain surgery?
- Nurse:
He's still open-minded.
- Doctor:
How is the little boy who swallowed all the dollar bills?
- Nurse:
No change.
- Doctor:
How is the woman who had extensive plastic surgery?
- Nurse:
She hasn't lost face.
- Doctor:
How is the man who fell in the upholstery machine?
- Nurse:
He seems to be recovered.
- Doctor:
How is the showoff who got hurt on his ski trip?
- Nurse:
He's gone downhill fast.
- Doctor:
How about the guy who got decked in Las Vegas?
- Nurse:
He's dealing with it.
- Doctor:
How is the woman who is obsessed with knowing the time?
- Nurse:
We're watching her.
- Doctor:
Did the demolition expert say he enjoyed his accident?
- Nurse:
He said he had a blast.
- Doctor:
How is the man who was run over by the eighteen-wheeler?
- Nurse:
He's very tired.
- Doctor:
How is Mr. Midas, who was overcome by automobile fumes?
- Nurse:
Exhausted!
- Doctor:
How is the horse trainer who got trampled in the barn?
- Nurse:
His condition is stable.
- Doctor:
How is the woman whose left side is paralyzed?
- Nurse:
She's all right.
- Doctor:
How is the man who fell into the vat of swimming pool paint?
- Nurse:
He's feeling pretty blue.
- Doctor:
How are the young twins?
- Nurse:
They're about the same.
- Doctor:
Did you give Mr. Steele some advice about his kleptomania?
- Nurse:
I told him there's always something he can take.
- Doctor:
How is the retired math teacher?
- Nurse:
She still has a lot of problems.
- Doctor:
How is Mr. Corn?
- Nurse:
I'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life.
- Doctor:
How is the forest ranger that had the tree fall on him?
- Nurse:
He isn't out of the woods yet.
- Doctor:
How is the patient from Tulsa?
- Nurse:
OK.
- Doctor:
Did our weight loss expert say fewer people are coming to her class?
- Nurse:
She said the crowd is thinning out.
- Doctor:
How is the sanitation worker?
- Nurse:
He's down in the dumps again.
- Doctor:
How was the man with sensitive eyes, once we gave him heavier curtains?
- Nurse:
Delighted.
- Doctor:
How is our chronic complainer?
- Nurse:
She's critical.
- Doctor:
How is the drilling rig operator?
- Nurse:
He's doing well.
- Doctor:
Can the injured bicycle rider stand up by himself?
Nurse:
No. I guess you could say he's two-tired.
- Doctor:
How is the man who thinks he is shrinking?
- Nurse:
I told him he would have to be a little patient.
- Doctor:
Is our terminal patient keeping the contents of his will a surprise?
- Nurse:
He's trying to, but it's a dead giveaway!
- Doctor:
How is Mr. Scott?
- Nurse:
Great!
- Doctor:
Is Peggy still engaged to the man with the wooden leg?
- Nurse:
No. She broke it off.
- Doctor:
How is the mechanic who is addicted to drinking brake fluid?
- Nurse: Doesn't think he has a problem, thinks he can stop anytime.
- Doctor:
How is our municipal judge?
- Nurse:
Fine!
- Doctor:
How is the cemetary worker?
- Nurse:
He's in grave condition.
- Doctor:
How is the former orange juice factory worker?
- Nurse:
No wonder they canned him--he just doesn't concentrate.
- Doctor:
Did the ex drug addict say he had a new sign in his yard?
- Nurse:
Yep. "Keep Off The Grass."
- Doctor:
Did Damon get behind on payments to his exorcist?
- Nurse:
Yep. Repossessed!
- Doctor:
How is the little girl who tried to eat a live duck?
- Nurse:
A little down in the mouth.
- Doctor:
Tell me about the man who had an accident while pulling a trailer.
- Nurse:
He's put it behind him.
- Doctor:
How is the meteorologist?
- Nurse:
He's still under the weather.
- Doctor:
Mr. Key was hit by a piano that fell into the shaft where he was working!
- Nurse:
So . . . A-flat minor?
- Doctor:
What about the guy who broke his leg in three places?
- Nurse:
He decided that from now on he'll stay out of those places!
- Doctor:
How is the lady who accidently swallowed the helium balloon?
- Nurse:
She's up and around.
- Doctor:
How is Mr. Roget?
- Nurse:
He's doing great, wonderful, fantastic, stupendous,
marvelous. . . .
- Doctor:
How is the stock market speculator?
- Nurse:
He's suffering from depression.
- Doctor:
How is our albino patient?
- Nurse:
Fair.
- Doctor:
What about the guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
- Nurse:
Handling it like a seasoned veteran.
- Doctor:
How is the nervous guy, who just feels like an insignificant pebble?
- Nurse:
I think he's become a little boulder.
- Doctor:
What about the man who combs his hair before going to sleep?
- Nurse:
He certainly makes a good impression on his pillow!
- Doctor:
What was it you asked Mr. Filbert?
- Nurse:
I said, "What are you, some kind of nut?"
- Doctor:
How is the clown who injured his funny bone?
- Nurse:
He is in serious condition now.
- Doctor:
Was Mr. Morton advocating euthanasia?
- Nurse:
No, he was talking about Chinese teenagers!
- Doctor:
How is the mentally unstable TV producer?
- Nurse:
He's had another episode.
- Doctor:
And the mentally unstable magazine publisher?
- Nurse:
He certainly has a lot of issues.
- Doctor:
But, is he showing any improvement?
- Nurse:
Periodically.
- Doctor:
Did you know that real estate guy sold me a pyramid for only $100K?
- Nurse:
Egypt you.
- Doctor:
But the place I bought is right on the river!
- Nurse:
You're in denial.
- Doctor:
The patient in Room 514 works where?
- Nurse:
In the mint.
- Doctor:
That makes cents!
- Doctor:
How is the woman who can't play guitar because of her arthritis?
- Nurse:
She isn't fretting about it.
- Doctor:
How is the lumberjack?
- Nurse:
He still has that severe hack.
- Doctor:
What was it you asked that tobacco-spitting contestant?
- Nurse:
I said, "How do expect to rate?"
- Doctor:
Is the man who got caught in the optical glass grinder embarrassed?
- Nurse:
Yes, he feels he made a spectacle of himself.
- Doctor:
How is the land developer?
- Nurse:
He has improved a lot.
- Doctor:
Any further problems with Mrs. Potts?
- Nurse:
Yes, but we have a handle on them.
- Doctor:
And the plumber who can't adjust to our schedule?
- Nurse:
He's definitely out of sink.
- Doctor:
Does that sculptor keep modeling clay in his hospital room?
- Nurse:
Yeah . . . You wanna make sumpn' of it?
- Doctor:
How is the guy who didn't think his orthopedic surgery would help?
- Nurse:
He stands corrected.
- Doctor:
How is the burn patient whose insurance company won't pay up?
- Nurse:
She's still hot under the collar!
- Doctor:
How is the entomologist?
- Nurse:
He's caught a nasty bug.
- Doctor:
Why did that rock guitarist name his band 1023MB?
- Nurse:
They haven't had a gig yet.
- Doctor:
How are the two fighters who punched each others' lights out?
- Nurse:
Their future's looking dim.
- Doctor:
What did Mrs. Gamm say about the surgery on her lower leg?
- Nurse:
She thought it was quite a shindig!
- Doctor:
How is the Alaskan with the hallucinations?
- Nurse:
Still seeing optical Aleutians.
- Doctor:
How is the patient with the severe rash?
- Nurse:
Itching to get over it.
- Doctor:
Well, how far along are we in his treatment?
- Nurse:
We've only scratched the surface.
- Doctor:
Hey, are you still dating that nudist guy?
- Nurse:
I'm not seeing as much of him this winter.
- Doctor:
How is the fireworks expert?
- Nurse:
He's had another flare-up.
- Doctor:
What about the actor, Mr. Hamm?
- Nurse:
I think he's cured!
- Doctor:
But he broke through the floorboards!
- Nurse:
He was just going through a stage. . . .
- Doctor:
Tell me about the kid from Little League.
- Nurse:
At first he wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit him.
- Doctor:
How is the old watchmaker?
- Nurse:
He's feeling run-down.
- Doctor:
What about the man with the toothache?
- Nurse:
Hopefully, it's driving him to extraction.
- Doctor:
Was the stand-up comedian practicing his routine?
- Nurse:
I heard him say, "I'm here . . . all weak."
- Doctor:
And the woman who joined the dangerous cult?
- Nurse:
Says from now on, only safe sects for her!
- Doctor:
How is the guy that the police brought in?
- Nurse:
He's in guarded condition.
- Doctor:
Did you know he's actually a robot?
- Nurse:
Really? What's he charged with?
- Doctor:
Battery!
- Nurse:
What a shock! Hope they give him a dry cell!
- Doctor:
Is Mr. Shetland's laryngitis any better?
- Nurse:
He's still a little hoarse.
- Doctor:
What about the wheelchair-bound guy who threatened to sue the hospital?
- Nurse:
I told him he didn't have a leg to stand on.
- Doctor:
How is Mrs. Fettucini?
- Nurse:
Pasta point of no return.
- Doctor:
I was alfredo that!
- Doctor:
How is the skydiver who got caught in the high lines?
- Nurse:
Still hanging in there.
- Doctor:
Did Mr. Taylor ask you to resuture his wound?
- Nurse:
Actually, he said, "D a r n it!"
- Doctor:
Did he not think I did a good job with the stitching?
- Nurse:
Well, he called you a lousy sew-and-sew.
- Doctor:
What about the guy who came in here with shingles?
- Nurse:
He's at your house putting them on.
- Doctor:
How is the patient with contagious amnesia?
- Nurse:
Who?
- Nurse:
Hey, what if you did surgery on another doctor and he wanted to do his own anesthesia?
- Doctor:
I'd tell him, "Knock yourself out!"
- Nurse:
What would say if he wanted to close?
- Doctor:
"Suture self."
- Nurse:
A friend of mine is having a birthday.
What do you give the woman who has everything?
- Doctor:
Penicillin!