Waiter, Waiter!


Diner: Waiter, bring me some turtle soup. And make it snappy!

Waiter: My name is Jason, if you need anything.
Diner: What is your name if I don't need anything?

Diner: Is the coffee fresh?
Waiter: I'm sure it is. We've only been open two weeks.

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
First Diner: I'll have tea.
Second Diner: I'll have tea, also. And make sure the glass is clean!
Later . . .
Waiter: Two teas. Which of you asked for the clean glass?

Diner: Bring me a steak, and make it lean!
Waiter: Which way?

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Diner: What other colors do you have?

Diner: What is this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: The backstroke!

Diner: What kind of pie is this, apple or peach?
Waiter: What does it taste like?
Diner: It tastes like glue!
Waiter: Then it's apple. The peach tastes like paste.

Diner: I'll have two eggs with bacon and hash browns.
Waiter: How do you like your eggs?
Diner: I like them a lot. That's why I'm ordering them!
Waiter: No, I mean, how do you like them cooked?
Diner: I like them much better that way.

Diner: This coffee tastes like mud!
Waiter: That's funny. It was just ground this morning.

Diner: Waiter, I can't eat this soup!
Waiter: Just a minute. I'll call the headwaiter.
Diner: Headwaiter, I can't eat this soup!
Headwaiter: Just a minute. I'll call the maitre d'.
Diner: Maitre d', I can't eat this soup!
Maitre d': Just a minute. I'll call the manager.
Diner: Manager, I can't eat this soup!
Manager: Just a minute. I'll call the owner.
Diner: Owner, I can't eat this soup!
Owner: Just a minute. I'll call the cook.
Diner: Cook, I can't eat this soup!
Cook: Why not?
Diner: I don't have a spoon!


Two of the above conversations actually took place involving people I know, viz. "My name is Jason," and "How do you like your eggs?" Here are two others from people I know:


Word Wild Web
Dumb Things People Say
Lien À Trois
Elmwood Court