- An unhealthy person is always coming down with something.
A hypochondriac is always coming up with something.
- There's a card missing from this deck. How'm I s'posed to deal with that!?
- Guns don't kill people. It's the bullets coming out of the guns really fast. Those things kill people!
- We have a little amateur music group. We get together and play weakly.
- Soft drinks at that place will cost you $2 a pop.
- I hate to make blanket statements, but I think there's been a cover-up.
- If you have a stomach bug, shouldn't you see a gastroentomologist?
- I'm not a gambling man. I bet I would be lousy at it.
- Don't count your chickens before the fat lady sings.
- I want to become invisible now. Do I make myself clear?
- People used to confuse me with my brother. Now I get confused even without him around.
- That "muscle memory" thing doesn't work for me because my muscles are so forgetful.
- When I was born, my parents gave me a funny look. I still have it.
- I remember her! I used to worship the ground she treated me like.
- This morning my wife told me I needed a hair cut. Tonight I looked in the mirror and saw which one she was talking about.
- I was trying to remember who Thomas Edison was. Then a light bulb came on.
- My next career is going to be contract hit man. I hear they make a killing.
- I spilled glue all over this ink pen, but I can't seem to throw it away. I've become attached to it.
- I think there's a check in my billfold. Lemme check in my billfold.
- The trial judge ordered the witness not to add anything. He was nonplussed.
I visited the prison and drew pictures of some of the inmates. Now everyone says I'm a con artist.
- Turn your TO-DO List into a TA-DA List!
- I accidently cut my finger while getting the cheese out of the package. I guess next time I won't buy the sharp cheddar.
- My motto is "If you can't do anything well, do a bunch of things halfway."
- I was standing my ground, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't sitting.
- They had a talking minah bird in the lobby. It had a fowl mouth.
- I'll go out of my way to avoid a detour.
- Oh yeah? Well, my dog can lick your dog!
- I was talking to the group about electroconvulsive therapy. People were shocked.
- Robert has been instrumental in promoting a cappella music.
- I'll beat that dead horse when it crosses the bridge.
- He said his name was Giuseppe Righello, but he was only Joe King.
- I was entertaining an idea, but it fell asleep during my performance!
- If you intentionly kill someone by prescription drug, is that premedicated murder?
- She told everyone that I always forget to use sunscreen. Boy, was my face red!
- Since sunscreen blocks UV rays, can you use it as eyedrops and look directly at the sun?
- I don't remember being this forgetful!
- Like . . . I was like, "What's she like? Like, do you like, like her?"
- I've been diagnosed with sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia.
- Alison was very vocal about women keeping silent.
- I feel filled full. But I don't feel fulfilled!
- It's true that John Doe was a serial murderer, but none of his victims were named Ruth. That's why they called him a ruthless killer.
- I've never flown on an airplane. I always get in it before takeoff.
- Talk about working yourself out of a job! I had a business going door-to-door selling "NO SOLICITATION" signs.
- I don't have all my wits about me. Some of my wits are about other people.
- When you ask me if I want cherry pie or chocolate cake, my answer is yes.
And if you say, "Does God always say 'yes,' or always 'no'?" . . .
- We went to the service at the cathedral,
and everyone was griping about everything.
It was clear that we had reached critical mass.
- I told the mime that his was the best performance ever. He was speechless.
- After her sinus surgery, her E.N.T. said he would keep an eye on her nose.
- I used to have a spring in my step. Now it's a fall.
- It smells bad in our shopping center's parking lot, but it's not my fault. It's asphalt.
- They thought if I tried to lift that much weight over my head, I would hurt myself! I was crushed.
- When people move here from East Asia, they're disoriented.
- I can't decide whether I like this new pillow. Or not. I guess I'll have to sleep on it.
- Is there any significance to the fact that I can't remember the show "Unforgettable"?
- This guy had a list of swear words. I didn't even take a cursory look.
- Samson the Danite was one of the most successful performers of all time. He was forced to entertain a crowd of 3,000 people who did not like him, but he literally* brought down the house! (See Judges 16.25-30.)
- I was born a wimp, but I identify as a bodybuilder. My pronouns are he/man.
- If you really believe weapons should be outlawed, you need to stick to your guns.
- After they illuminated me as a suspect, they put me in the witless projection program.
- [concerning the scriptures] Don't change the message; let the message change you!
- My favorite kind of test question is fill-in-the-_____.
But when a question is really hard, I often draw a _____.
Like when we were studying firearms and it said a _____ cartridge contains powder but no bullet.
After a long _____ stare, I left that one _____.
- Some guy was riding a bicycle, and when he got to a stop sign, he didn't stop.
But he did slow down.
So, I pulled him off of his bike and started beating him up.
When he yelled at me to stop . . .
I just slowed down. . . .
- I think I'm losing it. Sometimes I try to say something, and I just can't think of the right . . . um . . .
Three tips concerning the use of the internet:
- There is a lot of misinformation on the internet.
- Everything on the internet is reliable.
IF YOU LOVE EGYPT
- The Russler: Mr. Brown, may I borrow your pliers?
- Mr. Brown: What are you trying to pull?
- The Russler: Never mind. May I borrow your hammer?
- Mr. Brown: Knock yourself out.
- The Russler: May I borrow your crowbar? I don't mean to pry. . . .
- Mr. Brown: Here, you can borrow my pencil!
- The Russler: Is there a point to this?
Interviewer: Do you have multiple personalities?
The Russler: Who are you asking?
The Russler: I have 21 of these, and seven people to give them to.
The Assistant: Give them three each.
The Russler: Thanks. That helps me allot.
The precedence of
NOT, AND, OR
AND, OR, NOT
OR, NOT, AND
NOT, OR, AND.
Time Travel Club
meets on Thursday nights
from 7:30 until 6:00.
*And I mean "literally" literally.
I tried an experiment with a messaging app.
Click HERE to see the result!