Man-Made Proverbs

• A bad workman blames his tools.
  --John Rayworth
• A Bible that is falling apart usually belongs to a person who isn't.
  --anonymous Bible student
• A Christ-centered life is like a good watch: open face, busy hands, pure gold, and full of good works.
  --quoted by MaryAnn Parker
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  --anonymous dentist or podiatrist
• A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
  --anonymous swimmer
• A lot of kneeling before God can lead to a good standing with God.
  --anonymous
• A man is not paid for having brains but using them.
  --anonymous brain user
• A man who jumps through a screen door is likely to strain himself.
  --anonymous Confucianist
• A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything.
  -- Malcolm X
• A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
  --anonymous extovert
• A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
  --anonymous physicist
• A seatbelt is not as confining as a wheelchair.
  --anonymous driver (formerly of a car)
• Always write software as if the guy who ends up maintaining or testing it will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.
  --anonymous computer programmer
• Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  --Dennis Fakes (no middle name given)
• Choice, not chance, will determine the kind of person you become.
  --anonymous victor (not victim)
• Christianity is the one place where surrender brings victory.
  --anonymous victor (not victim)
• Commercials are God's way of punishing you for watching TV.
  --Neil Steinberg
• Don't get the corpse ahead of the hearse.
  --Richard Rogers
• Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
  --Kurt Vonnegut
• Eagles can soar proud and free, but then again, weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
  --Todd Frazier
• Eschew obfuscation.
  --Malcolm Fralderworth
• Eternity: smoking or nonsmoking?
  --anonymous nonsmoker
• Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you sit still.
  --Will Rogers
• Even the best of friends cannot attend each others' funerals.
  --Kehlog Albran
• Every thought is a seed. If you plant crabapples, don't count on harvesting golden delicious.
  --Bill Meyer
• Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
  --Stephen Wright
• Evolution: Man making a monkey of himself.
  --T-shirt slogan
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  --someone with experience.
• 
  --Og
• Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
  --Elbert Hubbard
• Genuine goodness is only threatened by those at the opposite end of the moral spectrum.
  --Earl Charles Spencer
• Give God what's right, not what's left.
  --anonymous
• God is God, and we are not.
  --Hodge
• God loves us the way we are, but he loves us too much to let us stay that way.
  --anonymous penitent
• Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
  --anonymous churchgoer
• Gravity is not just a good idea; it's the law.
  --anonymous heavyweight
• Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
  --Albert Einstein
• Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
  --The Russler
• He climbs the highest who helps another.
  --anonymous ladder salesman
• He who angers you, conquers you.
  --Donald Moy
• He who dies with the most toys still dies.
  --anonymous realist
• He who laughs, lasts.
  --anonymous humorist
• Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.
  --Alexander Pope
• Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
  --W. C. Fields
• I bet the main reason police keep people away from plane crashes is to keep people from walking in and lying down in with the crash stuff, and when the rescuers and investigators show up, act like they just woke up and go "What was that???"
  --Derek Ludwig
• I find Paul appealing and Peale appalling.
  --Avon Malone, in reference to the Apostle Paul vs. Norman Vincent Peale
• I once saw the world's largest turnip on TV, and it didn't look very interesting . . . and I bet that it didn't taste so great either.
  --John R. Levine
• I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
  --William F. Buckley
• I wondered why somebody didn't do something, then I realized that I was somebody.
  --quoted by Rebecca Knight
• I'm enduring life's theatre in hopes of a good cast party.
  --Sarah J. Hess
• I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
  --anonymous sixty-four-year-old
• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success!
  --Robert Fulgham
• If at first you don't succeed, you're about average.
  --Jonas Egareva
• If God had wanted us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
  --Adam
• If God is your co-pilot, trade places.
  --anonymous passenger
• If the horse you're riding dies, get off.
  --anonymous Amerindian
• If there is anybody in this room I haven't insulted, I apologize!
  --Johannes Brahms
• If you ain't where you are, you're no place.
  --Col. Sherman T. Potter
• If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else.
  --Booker T. Washington
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you probably have someone in mind to blame.
  --Robert Oglesby
• If you're going to mess up, dahlink, don't be shy. Make it a doosy!
  --Kathy Russell's choreographer
• If you're happy, you're successful.
  --anonymous successful person
• If you've seen one indoor shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  --The Russler
• Income: you can't live without it, and you can't live within it.
  --anonymous consumer
• It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  --Hans-Peter Raue
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. . . .
  --Stephen Wright
• It's your attitude, not your aptitude, that determines your altitude!
  --Zig Ziglar
• Jazz is not dead. It just smells funny.
  --Frank Zappa
• Learn as though you would never be able to master it; hold it as though you would be in fear of losing it.
  --Confucius
• Life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it.
  --Charles Swindoll
• Man's way leads to a hopeless end; God's way leads to an endless hope.
  --anonymous
• Marriage provides someone to put their arm around your shoulder and their hand over your mouth.
  --Robert Oglesby
• Men never do evil so fully and cheerfully as when we do it out of conscience.
  --Blaise Pascal
• Most men aren't terribly tender; therefore they should be cooked until they are.
  --Merrill Ainsworth
• My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes, many of which have never happened.
  --Mark Twain
• Never confuse having a career with having a life.
  --Alicia Walters
• Give God what's right, not what's left.
  --anonymous
• Never give the devil a ride. Ultimately he wants to drive.
  --not saying
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  --Glub Glub
• No talent, no character, and no brains are required in the grumbling business.
  --anonymous encourager
• Nothing is easier than fault finding.
  --anonymous coworker
• Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
  --anonymous
• Now is the time for all good men to come to.
  --Walt Kelly
• Parenting is a contact sport.
  --John Galvin
• People don't plan to fail; they just fail to plan.
  --anonymous planner
• People who tell you that it's tough at the top have forgotten what it was like at the bottom!
  --Glen Ross
• Pioneers always get arrows in their backs.
  --Rich Terry
• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
  --Ernest Benn
• Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.
  --J. P. McEvoy
• Praise is simply letting off esteem.
  --MaryAnn Parker
• Religion without science is lame, and science without religion is blind.
  --Albert Einstein
• Remember the turtle. He never makes any progress until he sticks his neck out.
  --anonymous herpetologist
• Remember, it wasn't raining yet when Noah built the ark.
  --anonymous
• Sin is a very short word with a very long sentence.
  --Ann Onimus
• Some people get their mental exercise by jumping to conclusions.
  --Avon Malone
• Some people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
  --anonymous
• Sometimes when a man seems anxious to extend his hand, it's because he has something up his sleeve.
  --Col. Sherman T. Potter
• "Status quo" is Latin for "the mess we're in."
  --Marshall Keeble
• Swallowing angry words is better than having to eat them.
  --anonymous diner
• Temper gets us in trouble, and pride keeps us there.
  --anonymous hothead
• The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.
  --anonymous narcoleptic
• The average man has five senses: touch, taste, sight, smell, and hearing. The successful man has two more: common and horse.
  --anonymous successful person
• The best exercise for the heart is to reach down and lift someone up.
  --President George Bush the elder
• The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
  --Merrick Furst
• The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried.
  --Chesterton
• The church is subcultural, countercultural, & supercultural.
  --Jason Moon
• The difference between opportunity and temptation is that opportunity knocks, but temptation invites itself in.
  --Burton Hillis
• The French don't care what you say, as long as you pronounce it correctly!
  --Henry Higgins (?) in "My Fair Lady" (correct me if I'm wrong on this one.)
• The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.
  --Alan Ashley-Pitt
• The Lord can use a crooked stick to draw a straight line.
  --John Scott
• The Lord gave us two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.
  --Ann Landers
• The man who moves mountains begins by moving small stones.
  --anonymous acheiver
• The Packers are like your children. You don't love them because they're good. You love them because they're yours.
  --Green Bay fan (or dad?) Steve Gay
• The problems of victory are more agreeable than the problems of defeat, but they are no less difficult.
  --Winston Churchill
• The reason a dog has so many friends is that his tail wags instead of his tongue.
  --anonymous dog lover
• The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.
  --Jeff Fall
• The solution for this world is out of this world.
  --Oscar Mejia
• The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
  --Kilgore Trout
• There are three types of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
  --Ken Zotigh
• There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
  --Kyle Malone
• There is no personal problem that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosive.
  --John Czekaj
• There isn't any traffic jam on the extra mile.
  --Rebecca Knight
• There's your plan, and then there's God's plan, and your plan doesn't count.
  --David Geffen
• They laughed at Joan Of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.
  --Gracie Allen
• 'Tis better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.
  --anonymous visitor to the chalkboard
• To ask a question you need to know at least 60% of the answer.
  --Albert Einstein
• To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
  --Elbert Hubbard
• Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
  --George Burns
• Treat flattery like chewing gum. Enjoy it, but don't swallow it.
  --Uncle Richard Black
• Use the talents you possess, for the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except the best.
  --Henry Van Dyke
• Users are losers.
  --McGruff, the crime dog
• We can give without loving, but we cannot love without giving.
  --anonymous humanitarian
• We've got casualties on the beach, and it's the wrong beach.
  --Rich Terry
• What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps?
  --anonymous disciple
• What's worse than getting a wrong number at 4 a.m.? Getting a right number at 4 a.m.!
  --anonymous disciple
• When a person is always right, there is something wrong.
  --anonymous human being
• When he was in his mid-80's, the great cellist Pablo Casals kept practicing his instrument for four or five hours each day. Someone once asked him why, at his age, he still worked so hard. "Because," he said, "I have a notion that I am making some progress."
  --Leonard Lyons
• When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
  --quoted by Humberto Juarez
• When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
  --anonymous pencil pusher
• When there are many words, a fool is not too far away.
  --Humberto Juarez
• When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
  --Thomas Paine
• While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
  --anonymous wealthy person
• Worry is pulling tomorrow's clouds over today's sunshine.
  --quoted by Kathy Scott
• Wouldn't it be nice if the wattage of a car stereo could not exceed the IQ of the driver?
  --Lara Allen
• You are always in the wrong key when you start singing your own praises.
  --anonymous music lover
• You aren't finished when you lose, you're finished when you quit!
  --Jim Lasota
• You can get more done with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.
  --Michael Kirk
• You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
  --Jeannette Rankin
• You can't get nine women together and have a baby in one month.
  --Rich Terry
• You can't have everything. . . . Where would you put it?
  --Stephen Wright
• You do not reform a world by ignoring it.
  --President George Bush the elder
• You don't smoke. The cigarette smokes; you're just the sucker.
  --Rich DeVos
• You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
  --fortune cookie
• You only go around once in life, but if you do it right once is enough.
  --Randy Cassingham