Grouchoisms

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife.

Dear Sir: If you continue to publish slanderous pieces about me I shall feel compelled to cancel my subscription.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Excuse me for not answering your letter sooner, but I'm been so busy not answering letters that I couldn't get around not answering in time.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.

I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'll dance with the cows and you come home.

I don't care to belong to any social organization which would accept me as a member.

I have a notion to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

I've been around so long I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them . . . well, I have others.

Time wounds all heels.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and of you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh . . . now you tell me what you want to know.

What is it that has four pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?

Whatever it is I'm against it.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Will you marry me? Are you rich? Answer the second question first.

You give them an inch, they want a yard. You give them a yard, they want a swimming pool in it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

And Chico, posing as Groucho:   Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

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