All The News That's Fit To Misprint
"Journalism consists largely in saying 'Mollow Jones died'
to people who never knew Mollow Jones was alive."
And then there was the New Hampshire newspaper that misspelled its own name
on its front page:
- A brain scan has revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a
stress fracture of the shin.
- --Jo Sheldon
- A Mesquite policeman shot a man with a knife.
- --radio newscaster
- [A certain man] died earlier today in his Athens home. He was seventy
- --television newscaster
- After his speech, the governor, accompanied by six children, his entourage
and dozens of reporters, climbed out of his pool to pace along his chain-link
fence, occasionally standing on his hind legs and tilting his head back.
- --Los Angeles Times
- All bus service has been stopped nationwide and in Dallas.
- --newscaster in Dallas (that foreign city)
- And for the rest of Europe this weekend, a lot of cloud around in the
form of cloud . . .
- --Suzanne Charlton
- And the nation's second largest airline is in the same boat.
- --Gloria Campos
- And up next . . . we'll be right back.
- --Dallas TV newscaster
- Apparently the hostage taker has spent most of his life in and out of jail.
- --Spartanburg newscaster (Is there a third possible location for the other part of his life?)
- As we break away from our continuous coverage . . .
- --Alexa Conomos
- As we look off to the west, we see the sun coming up. . . .
- --Dallas TV weather girl
- Ashley Jean O'Rear died Nov. 24, 2001, in Waxahachie, Texas, after battling
cancer since 1977. She was born April 27, 1987, in Corpus Christi, Texas.
- --Christian Chronicle
- At next Wednesday's children's party it is expected that in two hours 300
children will consume 1,800 sandwiches and 900 fancy cakes, gallons of milk
and tea, pounds of butter and a fishfryer, a plumber, a schoolmaster and a
- --Yorkshire Gazette
- Belgrade is now in darkness for as far as the eye can see.
- --Brent Sadler
- Buyers must meet . . . qualifications to qualify.
- --WBAP Radio
- Chiu Mei Au Yeung, who works for VNU's Computer Business Week,
was particularly thrilled as the holiday will give her an opportunity to sell
her Hong-Kong-based family, whom she has not seen for many years.
- --Magazine Week
- --heading in Yellville, Arkansas, Mountain Echo
- Each year in the United States, the flu kills about 20,000 people--mostly
people over 65, people with high-risk conditions such as chronic lung or
heart disease and children with asthma.
- --EDS bulletin
- Evolutionists have used evidence of tool usage among "missing links" to
demonstrate the ascent of man. Gavin Hunt, in research for Massey University
(New Zealand), has observed tool usage among crows equivalent to that of
"Stone Age Humans."
- --print news (I say "oops" for the evolutionists!)
- Four people and Congressman Ryan were killed.
- --TV newscaster
- General Graham, who likes to eat as well as any man, would like to see a
bit more cor bread ad mustrad brees served to the President at the "wite White
House" at this aval submari statio. "Don't get me wrong," he cautioned.
- --World Telegram and Sun
- Happy Fathers' Day to all those fathers' days out there.
- --field reporter at CNN
- He is the youngest person in the county due to COVID-19.
- He was shot and fatally killed.
- --Shon Gables at WFAA
- Health department says death certificates are to be ordered one week in
advance of death.
- --Lancaster (Ohio) Eagle-Gazette
- Here is an evening prayer for the little ones, and to me it is very
sweet and solemn:
- Savior, tender Shepherd, hear me,
- Bless thy little lamb tonight.
- In the darkness be Thou near me,
- Keep me safe till morning light.
- To remove rust from window glass,
- Dip cloth in coal oil and rub hard.
- --Kansas City Star
- Here's what's happening right now: Back in 1990, . . .
- Hours earlier, a 13-year-old boy was shot on the south side.
- --Bryan Smith
- In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?
- --Jon Snow
- It has been one of the warmest 1994s this century.
- --Richard Allinson
- It's a fine scene, denoting "Eat, drink, and be merry,
tomorrow we Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we lose
its spontaneous significance."
- --a Liverpool newspaper
- It's going to be a soaking hot day.
- --TV weatherman
- Kelly Gordon 43, descended into heaven on February 18, 2005 . . .
- --Dallas Morning News obituary
- Last night an explosion blew a hole in the wall of the 42nd precinct
station. Police are looking into it.
- --print news (I think this one's an urban legend.)
- Llanfairpwllawyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Station
in Wales was misspelled in an Associated Press caption with a
photograph that appeared yesterday. The Union Tribune
regrets the error.
- --Union Tribune
- Mr. Firestone argued that his client was a student, had not been
found guilty, and should not be subhauled by tank steamer to the east
coast and then pumped back into the middle-west and the Great Lakes
area through pipe-lines.
- --Cleveland Press
- Mrs. Lea made no mention of the nationality of the kidnappers nor gave
details of her husband's discovery, but he was apparently kept in a darkened
hut for two days. He had been roughed up and beaten by insects, the police
- --Evening News
- Percentage of marriages that end in death or divorce: 100.
- --VH-1 Pop-Up Video
- Practice thinning in winter time and head back in summer. A tree can
be kept bearing practically regular crops. Of course it is impossible to
keep any tree bearing practically regular crops, but of course it is
impossible to keep any tree bearing practically regular crops, but of
course it is impossible to keep any tree bearing a full crop regularly.
Wonders can be done by this system of pruning.
- --tree nursery pamphlet
- Pweople in glass howses shrdlu throw etaion(s).
- --New York Times Herald
- Q: How may slightly soiled playing cards be cleaned?
A: They are made by stringing pieces of meat, quarters of onions, and
pieces of bacon on sticks and broiling them over coals.
- --American Homemaker Magazine
- Q: What constitutes a millionaire?
A: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto,
branch manager and senior vice president of investments at AG Edwards and Sons.
- --newspaper feature
- Q: What does the thread count printed on the label of bed sheets and
pillow cases indicate?
A: The massacre of Fort Mackinac in 1763 by Chief Pontiac of the Ottawas.
- --Columbus Citizen
- So did you see which train crashed into which train first?
- --BBC interviewer
- Stairs are useful in two-story houses.
- --Washington Post
- The biggest threat will be to eastern Canada as well as Nova Scotia.
- --meteorologist Ron Jackson
- The bye week has came and went for No. 1 Alabama.
- --Tuscaloosa News
- The Church Of England has decided that Hell is "just ultimate non-being,"
because the traditional view left people with "psychological scars."
- --print news (How nice of them to fix that for us!)
- The event is a race for crawlers and new walkers ages 6 months - 18 months old. This event is open to employees only.
- --bulletin from a company that apparently hires very young workers
- The man who caused the accident has turned himself into police.
- --Channel 5 newscaster
- The mother killed herself and then the child.
- --TV newscaster
- . . . the son of a clerk in the French government service who died shortly after his birth.
- --ThinkQuest (died shortly after being born yet somehow managed to have a child)
- The Southeastern Georgia Alzheimers Chapter presents a dinner cabaret, "A
Night To Remember."
- --The SGAC
- The tickets to the free concert have been sold out.
- --radio announcer
- The two of them acted alone.
- --TV newscaster
- There's nothing wrong with pregnancy. Half the people wouldn't be here
today if it wasn't for women being pregnant.
- --Sarah Kennedy
- They had a delusion of rain . . .
- --reporter on the Weather Channel
- They tried to force a man who was inside out.
- --KRLD radio newscaster
- This is the boot that I had on my right hand foot.
- --Georgia man who was struck by lightning
- Today's names in the news and how to pronounce them:
Syngman Rhee, President of Korea; pronounced Sungmahn Ree
Jacques Fath, French fashion designer; pronounced Ellsa
- --Miami Daily News
- Trent Lott, the president's sister, is going to be on the program tonight.
- --Sean Hannity
- Tuesday Night At The Movies will be seen on Saturday this
week instead of Monday.
- --TV announcer
- What we know is that there will be no decision until some of these
races are decided.
- --Dan Rather
- We believe management has identified roughly 5,000 to 5,200 additional
headcount reductions, above our original forecast of 4,8000 by the end of
the first quarter . . .
- --a correction published by Reuters, [mis]quoting
Andrew Burns of EDS
- We don't know what triggered it.
- --Barnes County North Dakota sheriff Randy McClaflin, after Lucas
Strutz shot himself in the head.