My Merriam-Webster defines "Irish bull" as "an incongruous statement",
and gives this example:
It was hereditary in his family to have no children.
Two classic examples that actually mention the Irish come to mind:
An Irishman is never at peace except when he's fighting.
An Irishman would rather die than to be buried outside of
Ireland.
A tombstone in Belterbet, Ireland, reads:
Here lies the body of John Mound,
Lost at sea and never found.
And then there was the time in Dublin in 1902 that Sir Thomas Myles was
talking about the Boer War:
Why should Irishmen stand with their arms folded and their hands in
their pockets when England has called for aid?
I think I remember reading that the origin of the term was the following
statement, but I don't understand it or know what it has to do with
anything:
An Irish bull is always pregnant.
Following is a collection of Irish bulls that I have read, overheard, and
even caught myself uttering. I hope you enjoy them.
A lot of people in these empty pews are watching
the game. Robert K. Oglesby, at church on Superbowl night
A lot of people my age are dead at the present
time. anonymous
A new parameter that's being rewritten. Farrell_Wilson
A siren wailed as the people stood in silence. radio newscaster
A Taste Of Dallas returns to a brand new location. advertisement
Accept me for what I am -- completely
unacceptable. Ashleigh Brilliant
According to my best recollection, I don't
remember. Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all
statistics are totally worthless. anonymous
All my friends and I are crazy.
That's the only thing that keeps us sane. anonymous
All those without arms, please raise your hands! Sergeant addressing recruits
All through trucks must detour. traffic sign
Alone is much better together. sung by George Strait in "Let's Fall To Pieces Together"
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but
it's better than no government at all. anonymous
Anarchy should be the law. anonymous
And before one of her auditions there [she]
practiced ten hours at the last minute. Patricia_George
And he proceeded to stop. Ken Zotigh
. . . and some 500 Italians made the
trip,
in a crowd of only 400. David Smith
And their language is unspeakable! a teacher in "Jennifer, The Snake Goddess"
And there's ONLY ONE PLACE in the world you'll
find the Sleep Number bed: at one of our over 400 stores nationwide. Sleep Number ad
And Thursday I didn't even know about it until yesterday. overheard on Sunday
And too many moonlight kisses seem to cool in the
warmth of the sun. E. Heyman & V. Young
Ann, come over here and look how close you're
sitting to Russell! Verna Lampe
As far as we know, our computer has never had an
undetected error. Wiesert
As soon as the pain is not hurting. Sherrie Wiles
. . . as we count our blessings,
we realize we can't count them. anonymous
. . . at
Canon . . . fuzzy logic is being used to design
a new auto-focus camera! Stan Kelly-Bootle
At first, I had second thoughts. a west Texan
At the airport, workers handed fliers to passengers
asking them to arrive at the airport two hours before their flight. newscaster
At the more upscale places, you kind of
scale it down a little bit. Phil Romano, talking about birthday celebrations at his restaurants
Cozymel's, Fuddrucker's, Macaroni Grill, Nick & Sam's, and We Oui
Attorney General Janet Reno is asking for more drug
treatment for prisoners, both in and out of jail. newscaster
Avoid transporting items without your knowledge. airport terminal recording
Be careful -- warning other people can be
dangerous. Rich Lickfold, trying too hard to make it into The
Book
Be different -- conform. random adage
Be more or less specific. Ken Zotigh
Be quiet and yell! Eupora High School Eagles cheerleaders, circa 1969, trying to get the crowd to
stop chatting and participate in the cheers. (P.S. It's pronounced "Be quite
and Yale!")
Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a
Sunday, but it may be purchased on a Monday. Houston city ordinance
[ Before upgrading the database server: ]
Drop the existing "sybsystemprocs" database. [This contains all the
stored procedures.]
Use the "sp_dropdevice" procedure to drop the "sybsystemprocs" device.
[This is a stored procedure.]
from Sybase step-by-step instructions
Can you hear me in the back? often heard at the beginning of a speech
Can't it wait till yesterday? anonymous engineer
Can't Read? Click on the Map! instructions on a web site
Change is invariably good. Dick Brown
Coming home to a place he'd never been before. John Denver
Computers are not intelligent. They only think
they are. anonymous
Cystitis is a living death; it really is. Nobody ever
talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms
removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily. Louise Wener
Dear Charlie, I hate you. Love, Martha Martha Shedd
Dear Sam, Do not participate in chain letters.
Sincerely, Dave. P.S. Pass it on. Dave
Dear Taxpayer: Your permanent certificate of
exemption is expiring shortly. Massachussetts Department of Revenue
Death to intolerance! anonymous
Deep down, this guy is really shallow. Jim Hightower
Don't talk to strangers unless you know them.! Tom Fitzsimmons
Donate $1 for a free cookie. sign in La Madeleine restaurant
Down with categorical imperatives! anonymous
Drift appears to be setting in. Paul_Cubbage
East Westchester Northstars. sports team
Even when you're dead you shouldn't lie down and
let yourself be buried. someone in England
Every minute was more exciting than the next. Linda Evans
Every once in a while, it's always good to . . . Robert G. Taylor
Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a
comedian. Randy
Everyone should be a nonconformist. anonymous
Exactly what Jay is saying, but a little bit
different. Jerry_Miller
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. anonymous
Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't
have any children, neither will you. anonymous
Focus on the unseen. youth group motto
For flute and percussion (one performer). cataloging record for a Harold Genzmer composition
Generally, that is always the case. beauty contestant
Generally, you're always going to do that. Craig
Good people like me are never self-righteous. anonymous
Happy are those who are sad. Jesus, in Matthew 5.4
He always asks about them every once in a while. The Russler
He gets up at six o'clock no matter what
time it is. Leo Rosten
He has been instrumental in promoting a cappella music. anonymous
He introduced his wife, a widow by the name of Marie Therese. Jean-Marie_Frerot
He sideswiped the front of my truck. Bill Scott
He spent an hour with me just a second ago. Michael Ellis
He went into private practice with a big firm. Kathy Scott
He's late 'cause he came in early. Burt Juarez
. . . heat has frozen your
motor. state trooper in "Death In The Desert"
Her favorite dress is her old blue jeans. Garth Brooks
His face was sagging with tension. someone in England
His light is dark. Myron Bruce
Honk if you love peace and quiet. bumper sticker
Hopefully, within 60 to 90 days, people will begin
to see immediate activity. H. Ross Perot, Jr.
How can I get over the fear of playing in front of
people by myself? anonymous
How Groucho Marx plans his ad-libs. TV Guide cover article
How'd you do at the market? Farmer's wife Not as well as I expected, but then I didn't expect I would! Farmer
[Humanism teaches that] man can do almost anything
that he or she wants to do. David_Burks
I always like the same thing: variety. The Russler
I am not going to sit here and stand for those kind
of insults. Rush Limbaugh
I believe we are on an irreversible
trend . . . but that could change. Dan Quayle (possibly)
I bet that hurts a lot more when you're numb. Christine Wick
I called you last night, but your phone rang busy. anonymous, overheard in an office
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. Joe Walsh
[ ] . . . I cannot read
or write. box to check on a jury summons to gain an exemption
I could see drinking that on a hot cold day. Jeannette Scott, referring to frappaccino
I didn't go back to sleep until we got up in the
morning. Carole Mabrey
I didn't say anything! The Russler
Yeah, but you said plenty of other things! Sherri Barber
I distinctly remember forgetting that. Robert K. Oglesby
I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an
Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. James R. F. Quirk
I don't have time for this -- I'm too
bored! Dennis Malley
I don't know much more than I know. a preacher in Texas
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because
if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. Clarence Darrow
I either have Alzheimer's or amnesia; I don't remember
which. The Russler
I hate all prejudiced people. Robert Scott
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
but I can't prove it. Ashleigh Brilliant
I have a two o'clock meeting from nine to eleven. Jerry_Miller
I have made this letter longer than usual because I
lack the time to make it shorter. Blaise Pascal
I have nine different cards, but some of them are
the same. Robert Scott
I have no knowledge . . . or
even less. Byron_Black
I have opinons of my own -- strong
opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. George H. W. Bush
I just acquired a previous commitment. Hawkeye Pierce
I like to watch the sunset come up every morning. Kyle Malone
I loathe people who use esoteric language. Rich Lickfold, in a shameless attempt to make it into The
Book.
I may not live long enough to die! The Russler
I never have made a mistake. I thought I did
once, but I was wrong. Steve Hecht
I never heard [the song] "Wake Up Sunshine,"
and really loved it. a fan of Chicago [the band]
I never make blanket statements. The Russler
I practically had to slash my wrists to convince
them I couldn't stand the sight of blood. anonymous
I remember my house full of people, but I don't
remember anybody being there. anonymous
I sat down . . . to see where
we stood. Joel Reeves
I say just bleach them black or navy blue. Kathy Scott
I stay up nights, tossing and turning in my bed. Marie Barone
I think that people who resort to name-calling are
dull, disrespectful, stupid, irreverent, moronic, rude, imbecilic,
derisive idiots. The Russler, in "Dumb Things People Say"
I think there should be a pretty high level of
mediocrity required of coaches. Robert Scott
I thought I had forwarded this [E-mail] last week.
If I did not, here it is again. manager
I used to be what I am, but I'm not anymore. Georgette
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not
so sure. anonymous
I want to be remembered as somebody who scorned the
whole idea of wanting to be remembered. Ashleigh Brilliant
I want to speak to the pastor personally by phone. caller to a church office
I was permanently disturbed for a while. anonymous
I was suffering in ecstasy. from the song "Double Shot Of My Baby's Love"
I was the first one there, and Trisha was already
there. Billy Graham
I will establish democracy by dictatorial decree! benevolent fascist
I wish it was cold outside so I could wish it was
hot. Atwater
I work 50 to 60 hours a week every day,
six days a week. Joel Hope on "Divorce Court"
I worked hard for my welfare benefits. anonymous
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. anonymous
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. anonymous
I'm a deeply superficial person. Andy Warhol
I'm a grandfather and don't even know it. Col. Sherman T. Potter
I'm afraid someday she's going to show up [at work]
dead. Kathy Scott
I'm happy to be stuck with you. sung by Huey Lewis And The News
I'm going to be remembered as "Ron, The
Forgotten Man." Ron, The Forgotten Man
I'm going to live through this if it kills me! Max Klinger
I'm going to quit smoking if it kills me. anonymous
I'm not going to gang up on you all by myself. Jonathan Scott
I'm not indecisive, I just can't make up my mind. Vickie Taylor
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize. anonymous, quoted by Sherri Barber
I'm tired of resting. Will Geer
I'm writing to tell you I have nothing to say. Ashleigh Brilliant
I've already sat today about all I can stand. Vonnie Bennet
I've been forgetting things lately. I don't
remember having this problem before. Kathy Scott
If fainting occurs, contact your doctor. self-help instructions
If I can survive death I can probably survive
anything. Ashleigh Brilliant
If I get there first, I'll make a chalk mark; if
you get there first, rub it out. Mack & Moran
If I had a little humility, I'd be perfect. Ted Turner
If Tchaikovsky were alive today, he'd be turning
in his grave. someone in England
If that needs immediate action, it will have to
wait till Monday. anonymous engineer
If the odds are a million to one against something
happening, chances are fifty-fifty it will. Murphy
If the type on this page is too small to read, you
will want to get the large print edition. The Russler
If there is a fifty-fifty chance that something can
go wrong, then nine times out of ten it will. Paul Harvey
If there was a cave-in and it killed me, I could live
with that. The Russler
If there were a pie here, it would be gone! The Russler
If two trains shall meet on the same track,
neither shall proceed until the other has passed. Kansas state law
If we stop to look at stuff, we aren't going to see
anything. an adult leading a group of children through a museum
If we're not already, we are by now. Ellis Touchton
If you are here and you need to
respond . . . often heard at the end of a sermon
If you can't view this email, click here. E-mail from American Musical Supply
If you don't get this letter, return it to me and
I'll be happy to photocopy it for you. The Russler
If you fall and break both your legs,
don't come running to me! Mom
If you missed it, you have one last chance to see it
again. ad for "The Bachelorette," which I've never seen but hope to see again
If you used to be here . . . but you're not here now,
stand up. Robert K. Oglesby
If you weren't in one of the less than a dozen empty
seats at Friday Night's Evening At Pops, . . . you
really missed something. Ayer Public Spirit
In a race of far less importance, but not much
less . . . Mark Davis
In love again for the first time. Carole King
In 1994 I worked almost three years in crime prevention. a Richardson, Texas policeman
Include me out! probably attributed to Yogi Berra
India is the finest climate under the sun; but a lot
of young fellows come out here, and they drink and they eat, and they drink
and they die: and then they write home to their parents a pack of lies, say
it's the climate that has killed them. Sir Colin Campbell, British officer charged by British War Department
to report on morale problems with the British army in India
Inform all the troops that communications have
completely broken down. Ashleigh Brilliant
Instructions for extracting files from this diskette
are contained on a file on this diskette. from the contents of a file on a diskette
Is everyone here? Raise you're hand if you
aren't. anonymous
It all comes out on the inside eventually. Steely Dan
It certainly is not certain yet. anonymous
It costs three times as much for two to live
as cheap as one. song "Oh Why Did I Get Married?"
It makes neither sense nor nonsense. Carlston
It might ultimately be tried first
in Europe. radio announcer on KRLD
It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to
me lately. Ashleigh Brilliant
It sank right to the top. Jeff Feath
It seems, from what I gather, to be one of those
simple cases which are so extremely difficult. Sherlock Holmes
It turned up missing. many people
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a
good impromptu speech. Mark Twain
It was the same as a two-room school house, except
that it was three rooms. Robert Scott
It wasn't completely opaque. anonymous
It's expensive, but it's cheap. Len Catanach
It's good to be bad. Bobby Womack
It's great to be back in the city of Boston . . .
again . . . for the very first time. Emo Phillips
It's Hip To Be Square sung by Huey Lewis And The News
It's not an optical illusion; it just looks like
one. Phil White
It's not every day you see snow in June. Jeannette Scott
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to
be there when it happens. Woody Allen
It's on the same side of the street from that, right
across the street from it. Robert Scott
It's one of those movies where you knew exactly what
was going to happen before you ever saw it, if you saw it. Jeannette Scott
. . . It's real! It's
fiction! . . . Oprah Winfrey, promoting a book on her TV show
It's south of Abilene, but I don't know which
direction. Kathy Scott
It's unanimous -- we agree on nothing. overheard at a business meeting
It's unlucky to be superstitious. Ashleigh Brilliant
Jerome saw that and wanted to buy it sight unseen. David Beck
John Redwood is a young man, but, let's face it,
so was Margaret Thatcher in 1975. Edward Leigh
Just because they are alike, doesn't mean they are
the same. John Kevin Brown
Just a few more hours, and I'll be right home to
you. sung by KISS
Keep your eyes opened behind you. Rush Limbaugh
Keep your mouth shut and eat everything on your plate. Mom
Lethargy is beginning to kick in. anonymous
Like a lot of you . . . I'd be
first in line to buy it. a Chicago fan (How many people can be first in line?)
Marlon Brando in his own words: Songs My Mother
Taught Me. radio commercial
Man, when I tell you she was cool, she was red hot. sung by Thin Lizzy
Move slow as fast as you can. Capt. Cragen on "Law And Order"
My life is simply too complicated. anonymous
Never listen to advice. anonymous
Never say "never," and never say "always," because there's
always an exception. Dewey_Leggett,
producing a double IB
No refreshments shall be supplied to any member after
the above named hours, and none shall be supplied for consumption off the
club premises except to a member on the premises at the time. private club rule
None of us got to sit all together. anonymous
Notice: This garment meets the general wearing
apparel requirements of the Flammable Fabrics Act; however, it is flammable
and should not be worn near sources of fire. tag on item of apparel from Wear Guard of Norwell,
Massachussetts
Oh, and if you don't have E-mail, then call me at
301-4556. John Fierke, at the bottom of an E-mail
Oh, we are so wet, but we are staying dry. Chad Gardner (a.k.a.Blister Boy), when asked about the
weather
Ohio is the birthplace of more Presidents than any other
state -- eight. Virginia also has 8. Key to the City website (By the way, only seven presidents were born in Ohio.)
Once I get started, I don't know where to begin. anonymous
One after another, they did not come back. Henry Crow Dog
One of the center's largest events is on National
Coming Out Day in the fall. Students are able to share their coming out
stories in person or anonymously, Winser-Johns said. Makenzie_Plusnick
(Nothing like coming out anonymously!)
One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too
critical of myself. Ashleigh Brilliant
Place contents of package in covered casserole
dish. prepared food instructions
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. anonymous
Predestination was doomed from the start. anonymous
Promote the use of minority businesses, women-owned
businesses and other disadvantaged businesses. Ensure that the suppliers
that you are working with do not condone discriminatory practices. EDS
Regardless of anything to the contrary in this booklet,
if your medical insurance terminates for any reason including
death, you . . . may elect within 30
days . . . to continue such medical
insurance . . . Consolidated Group Trust
Remember me? I'm the one who never made any
impression on you. Ashleigh Brilliant
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what
I'm doing. Werner von Braun
Resolved: That we shall build a new courthouse.
Resolved: That the new courthouse shall be built using materials from the
old courthouse.
Resolved: That the old courthouse shall remain in use until the
completion of the new courthouse. a county commission in Mississippi
Right now we have a special where you can get
500 minutes for $50 for free. Darren the cellular telephone salesman
Roderick Vereen, a public defender, had filed a
motion to delay [Mr.] Hill's execution until after Hill had served his
federal sentence of life in prison. Associated Press
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never
was. Herb Caen
Secret marriages are not allowed. private college rule
She never told me she was a mime. Al
She was never at home going out with me. The Russler
She was the last of an endless
line . . . a widow, talking about her late husband's mistress
She's afraid they'll starve to death for the rest of
their lives. Kathy Scott
She's not able to get around, and she's been traveling
quite a bit. Robin Roberts on "Good Morning America"
She's the boy I'll never have. Kyle Malone, referring to one of his daughters
60% of them were minorities. Bill Rathburn, Dallas police chief
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen. Apostle Paul, in Second Corinthians 4.18
Some Of My Lies Are True. sung by Huey Lewis And The News
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize
sublety if it hit them on the head. anonymous
Someday I'm going to look back on this nightmare and
think of it as just a bad dream. B. J. Honeycutt
Something is missing. Can you spot it? Ashleigh Banfield
something that we thought was unthinkable Robert K. Oglesby
Sometime I'd like to be here when I'm gone. Beetle Bailey's Sarge
Sounds like it's going to be a great film.
I hope they release it sooner than they shot it. deejay
Spare no expense to make everything as economical as
possible. Sam Goldwyn
Spontenaity is all right, provided they can rehearse
it first. Edwin Newman
Stage right as you look at the stage. D._Rice (In other words, stage left.)
Stop calling me immature, or I'll tell on you! anonymous
Thanks for all your help, especially the other night
when [the] RAD [system] crashed for the day. Jeff Feath
That's the only reason I bring it up. The other
reason I bring it up is . . . Andrew P. Smith
The city of Pompeii was frozen by hot lava. Robert K. Oglesby
The commercials aren't louder; they just sound louder. TV engineer James Withrow
The difference is the same. Dale Jensen
The first step in remembering a person's name
is to:
1. Hear the person's name clearly.
2. Get a clear impression of the person as a person. Dale Carnegie
Too much is not enough. sung by the Bellamy Brothers
Try to move slowly but swiftly. Shannon from House Improvements
Two things he was not able to do before, he's
beginning to be able to do again. John Madden
Unless faced with emergencies, the IAS team commits
to the following intervals. . . .
In order to meet the time guidelines, emergencies will no longer be
accepted. the IAS team
Usually I gain weight every time I go on
vacation. someone advertising a weight loss product
Vote Anarchist bumper sticker
Wagner's music is better than it sounds. Mark Twain.
Watch for invisible blocks. SuperBlast instructions
Watch me and get off one stop before I do. overheard on a bus
We are always proving that "nothing is constant, but
change." Gayle Diane Cordell
We are on a journey that requires patience combined
with a sense of urgency to get there as quickly as we can. overheard
We didn't refuse; we just said no. Michael Kirk
We fell silent, remarking, "The will of the Lord be
done!" Luke, in Acts 21.14
We have a three month release cycle, and almost four
months of that is testing. Dale Jensen
We need to know what the invisible screens look
like. Dave_Mitchell
We think it has a much better chance to be
as good as always. Labron_Harris,_Jr.
We were so busy, we didn't do anything. Alecia Ragan
We will fight to the death for our pacifist aims. anonymous
We'd better start early so if we're late, we'll be
on time. Durward Cline
We're all in this alone. Lily Tomlin
We’re not quite ready, so give me a couple of minutes and we’ll
call you back in a second. conference call participant
We've been through it all -- and more. Rachel_Drayer
We're the only secret organization in the world that
no one's ever heard of! Maxwell Smart
Well, it's very similar to this, but it's a lot
different. antique mall customer
What sane person could live in this world and not
be crazy? Ursula_K._LeGuin
What's your phone number? B. Grace's mother, asked of him over the phone when she
initiated the call
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is
very important that you do it. Mahatma Gandhi
When I am weak, then I am strong. Apostle Paul, in Second Corinthians 12.10
When I got on Woodall Rogers [Freeway], it [the traffic] stopped,
and it stayed stopped until I got past LBJ [Freeway]. Charles_Bentley, who didn't explain how he
traveled a dozen miles while stopped
When I think of how I prayed he would get well, I
could murder him. anonymous
When you get to be my age, you start to lose your
eyesight, your hearing, and . . . let's
see . . . what was the other thing? Grandma Lewis
Why isn't there some cheap and easy way I can prove
how much you mean to me? Ashleigh Brilliant
Why do I have to stop living to keep from dying? Michael Ellis, talking about dieting
Working for these people would put gray hairs
on a bald man! anonymous
Would you care to drift aimlessly in my
direction? Ashleigh Brilliant
Y'all be quiet and yell! high school cheerleader trying to keep kids from chatting during a pep rally
Yesterday it took her almost a day and a half. Sprint employee
You are unique -- just like everybody
else. Laurie Varley
You can count on an unpredictable number of wild
cards. Games magazine
You can use the "readonly" command to ensure that
the value of a variable cannot be changed. Mark Sobell, who needs to explain the meaning of "variable" to me
again
You have a great future, even if the future isn't
what it used to be. Yogi Berra, to a graduating class
You have reached Jim Galloway. I'm not available
right now . . . Jim Galloway's voice
You should have been there after you left. Michael Kirk
Your mind has to be working all of the time most
of the time. Robert L. Scott, on being a teacher
*
This reminds me of the printed instructions I received with something I
bought. In large letters, they proclaimed, "AS EASY AS 1, 2, 3!"
Following that were several pages outlining eleven steps.
Many of these are anonymous because I collected them a
while before I started writing down the source.