Do I need a computer to use your software?? |
Caller -- Hello, is this Tech Support? SysOp -- Yes, it is. How may I help you? Caller -- The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed? SysOp -- I'm sorry, but did you say "cup holder"? Caller -- Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer. SysOp -- Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion or at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it? Caller -- It came with my computer; I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has "4X" on it. SysOp -- That would be the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive. |
User -- I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. Tech -- Foot pedal? User -- Yes, this little foot pedal with the "on" switch. Tech -- You mean the mouse? |
User -- What do I do now? Tech -- What does the screen say? User -- It says, "Hit ENTER when ready." Tech -- What's the problem? User -- How do I know when it's ready? |
Tech -- Click on the "My Computer" icon on the left of the screen. Guy -- Do you mean your left or mine? |
Canon -- Under you running it under Windows? Woman -- No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine. |
Disk Guy -- I'm having trouble reading word processing files from my old diskettes. Brent -- Are they getting near a heat source? Disk Guy -- No. Brent -- Are they getting near a magnetic field? Disk Guy -- No. Brent -- Besides going in and out of the floppy drive, what is being done with these diskettes? Disk Guy -- I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the typewriter . . . |
A.E. -- I think before I can diagnose your trouble, I will need you to send me a copy of the diskette. A.D.U. -- No problem. We have a Xerox machine right here. |
Expert -- Now put the troubled floppy back in the disk drive. Obedient One -- Okay. Expert -- Now close the door. Obedient One -- Okay. Hold on. [Sound of footsteps. Sound of a door closing across the room.] Obedient One -- Okay, I'm back. Expert -- Um, I meant the door on the disk drive. |
Tech -- Can I please get your name and position in the company? Employee -- This is Ryan, and I'm sitting down. |
Newbie -- My brand new Contura will not work. John -- What did you do? Newbie -- I unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up, and sat there for twenty minutes waiting for something to happen. John -- What happened when you pressed the power switch? Newbie -- What power switch? |
DBA -- I noticed you are running six separate queries, and they are using a lot of tables and CPU. DBU -- No, I'm not running them anymore. They took so long, I killed them. DBA -- How did you kill them? DBU -- I just pressed control-alt-delete; that seemed to kill it. |
Hothead -- How do I install batteries in my laptop? Support -- The directions are on the first page of the manual. Hothead -- I just paid $2,000 for this %#&^@* thing, and I'm not going to read a book! |
User -- My mouse is very hard to control when the dust cover is on it. Tamra -- It has a dust cover? User -- Yes, it's kind of a plastic bag. Tamra -- Could that just be part of the original packaging? |
User -- My mouse is not working at all. Wayne -- Can you describe how you are using it? User -- I hold it up and point it at the screen and click like mad, but nothing ever happens. |
Faxer -- I can't get my computer to fax anything. Supporter -- Can you describe the process you are using? Faxer -- I hold the piece of paper up to the monitor screen and press the "Send" key. |
Boot Person -- You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly. Desk Person -- What does it say? Boot Person -- Something about an error and non-system disk. Desk Person -- Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside? Boot Person -- No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside. |
User -- I'm having trouble setting up a new program. Gary -- Can you try your local Egghead? User -- Yeah, I got a couple of friends. Gary -- The Egghead is a software store. User -- Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks. |
Patient One -- All right. Now double-click on the File Manager icon. Impatient One -- That's why I hate this Windows, because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons. Patient One -- Well, that's just an industry term, sir. I don't believe it was meant to . . . Impatient One -- I don't care about "industry terms." I don't believe in icons! Patient One -- Well, why don't you click on the little picture of a file cabinet. Is "little picture" okay? Impatient One -- [Click.] |
Someone -- Now what do I do? Support -- What is the prompt on the screen? Someone -- It's asking for "Enter your last name." Support -- Okay, so type in your last name. Someone -- How do you spell that? |
Tech -- How much free space do you have on your hard drive? Novice -- Well, my wife likes to get on the internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. |
EU -- I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message. TS -- Did you install the update? EU -- No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work? |
T-C Caller -- What hours is the call center open? C C Worker -- The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. T-C Caller -- Is that Eastern or Pacific time? C C Worker -- Uh, Pacific. |
TS -- Is your computer on a separate telephone line? PU (clicking to connect to on-line service) -- No. TS -- Well then we can't . . . PU -- It says "No dial tone." TS -- That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to . . . PU -- No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through. TS -- No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me. PU -- It must be busy. I'll try again later. |
Supporter -- Okay, now click your left mouse button. Mouser -- But I only have one mouse. |
GP -- My computer crashed! TS -- It crashed? GP -- Yeah, it won't let me play my game. TS -- All right, hit control-alt-delete to reboot. GP -- No, it didn't crash; it crashed. TS -- Huh? GP -- I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work. TS -- Click on "File," then "New Game." GP -- Wow! How'd you learn to do that? |
Customer -- I'd like a mouse mat, please. Clerk -- Certainly. We have a large variety. Customer -- But will they be compatible with my computer? |
Wanna-be -- I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word. Employee -- Tell me what you've done. Wanna-be -- I typed "A:SETUP". Employee -- Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says. Wanna-be -- It says "Restore and Recovery disk." Employee -- Insert the MS Word setup disk. Wanna-be -- What? Employee -- Did you buy MS Word? Customer -- No. |
New SA (needing to type in the pathname to a directory called "i386") -- Where's the key for that line thing? Old Hand -- What are you talking about? New SA -- You know, the one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark. Old Hand -- You mean the letter "i"? New SA -- Yeah, that's it! |
Helper -- Do you have 3 ½ diskettes? Beginner -- No, I only have 3 of them. |
Operator -- Okay, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the "OK" button displayed? Impressee -- Wow. How can you see my screen from there? Operator -- Years of training. |
Help Desk -- What type of computer do you have? User -- A white one. |
HD -- I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop. WU -- Okay. HD -- Did you get a pop-up menu? WU -- No. HD -- Okay. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu? WU -- No. HD -- Okay, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point? WU -- Sure. You told me to write "click," and I wrote "click". |
New -- I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version? Old -- Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server? New -- A server. So, which one do I get? Old -- The server version, perhaps? New -- Which one is that? Old -- Windows NT Server. New -- Okay, thanks. |
TS -- Type "A:" at the prompt. BS -- How do you spell that? |
User -- I can't log in to my account. Desk -- Okay, let's look at your configuration. User -- Okay, but I know that my User ID is case sensitive. Desk -- Yes, it is. Okay, what does it say in the "User ID" field? User -- "Case Sensitive." |
TS -- What's on your screen right now? SU -- A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store. |
Support -- What operating system are you running? Guy -- Pentium. |
Tech -- What version of the Mac OS are you using? Sim -- Word 6.0. |
Me -- Is there something we do different to run the ASPX scripts as opposed to the ASP scripts? The Guy -- Aspx uses different continuations & to reference data it is field.value come to mind. |
My keyboard doesn't work any more. I cleaned it by filling up my tub with soap and water and soaking it for a day. Then I removed all the keys and washed them individually. |
Could you please copy the Internet onto this diskette for me? |
I don't need any of that SQL stuff, I just want a database! |
Excuse me, can I use this disk? It has a hole in it. |
I don't have a space bar. |
Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time? |
Uh, my problem is, I've got my pointer in the middle of the screen, and I need to move it to the left, but my mouse is over at the left-hand side of the pad. And if I go any further to the left, it's going to go off the pad. Anyway, if you could give me a call, I'd appreciate it. I'll wait until I hear from you. |
My computer called me "bad" and an "invalid!" |
How do I print my voicemail? |
I have a long distance modem. |
Hello, is this the internet? |
I'm having trouble printing documents. The computer is telling me it "can't find the printer." I turned the computer screen so it faces the printer, and it still can't see it! |
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When I pay for my on-line service, should I make the check out to "The Internet"? |
So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right? And that's the latest version of the Internet, right? |
I had problems connecting to some dial-in lines. Now when I hear my modem, I pick up the phone and make a "Kckgkth" sound into it. Then I hang up and get a reliable connection. I would be glad to record this noise and send it to you so your other customers could benefit. |
. . . when I tried to delete it I accidently hit "C" instead of "D". . . . I did eventually delete. . . . I have two questions: Why did this happen, and why am I not able to see the item which I deleted . . . ? |
. . . when entering an order . . . I received an error message. . . . I immediately went out of order and looked at the QOS69 screen . . . |
The message on the screen is "Press Any Key." Where is the "Any" key? |
I need to know how to have my report sent directly to the copy machine. |
Employee -- Sir, something has burned within your power supply. Gentleman -- I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this. Employee -- There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem. Gentleman -- I know that there is something I can put in, some command; maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS. Employee, after a few minutes of going round and round -- Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this, but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer. Gentleman, after following those instructions -- It is still smoking. Employee -- I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE. Gentleman, calling back four hours later -- I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost. |
WPU -- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. WPCSE -- What sort of trouble? WPU -- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. WPCSE -- Went away? WPU -- They disappeared. WPCSE -- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? WPU -- Nothing. WPCSE -- Nothing? WPU -- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. WPCSE -- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? WPU -- How do I tell? WPCSE -- Can you see the "C:\" prompt on the screen? WPU -- What's a sea-prompt? WPCSE -- Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? WPU -- There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type. WPCSE -- Does your monitor have a power indicator? WPU -- What's a monitor? WPCSE -- It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? WPU -- I don't know. WPCSE -- Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? WPU -- Yes, I think so. WPCSE -- Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. WPU -- Yes, it is. WPCSE -- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? WPU -- No. WPCSE -- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. WPU -- Okay, here it is. WPCSE -- Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. WPU -- I can't reach. WPCSE -- Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? WPU -- No. WPCSE -- Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? WPU -- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark. WPCSE -- Dark? WPU -- Yes. The office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. WPCSE -- Well, turn on the office light then. WPU -- I can't. WPCSE -- No? Why not? WPU -- Because there's a power outage. |