The following are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school and college students around the world.

  1. A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
  2. A dynamo is a machine that makes dynamite and other explosives.
  3. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
  4. A gelding is a stallion who has his tonsils taken out so he would have more time for himself.
  5. A grasshopper has three pair of wings--anterior, posterior, and bacteria.
    C. Victor Jordan
  6. A grasshopper passes through all the life stages from infancy to adultery.
    C. Victor Jordan
  7. A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
  8. A man is an animal split halfway up and walks on the split end.
    The Pocket Book Of Boners
  9. A millenium is something like a centennial, only it has more legs.
  10. A molecule is so small that it can't be seen by the naked observer.
  11. A monsoon is a French gentleman.
  12. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
  13. A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
  14. A sinecure is a disease without a cure.
  15. A skeleton is a man with his inside out and his outside off.
  16. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  17. A vacuum is an empty space where the Pope lives.
  18. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
  19. An armadillo is an ornamental shrub.
  20. An epidemic is a needle the doctor uses to put medicine in your arm.
  21. An imbecile is a germ floating around in the air which anybody is liable to catch.
  22. An octegenarian is an animal which has eight young at birth.
  23. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
  24. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
  25. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
  26. Caeserian section is a district in Rome.
  27. Catharsis is a psychological means of stopping a cathar. It illustrates the influence of mind over body.
  28. Caviar is the eggs of a surgeon.
  29. Celibacy is a disease of the brain.
  30. Charles Darwin was a natulist who wrote the Organ of the Spices.
  31. Climate is caused by the emotion of the earth around the sun.
  32. Clouds are high flying fogs.
  33. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
  34. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
  35. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
  36. Equator: a managerie lion running around the earth through Africa
  37. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
  38. For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
  39. For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
  40. For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
  41. For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
  42. For drowning, move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
  43. For fainting, rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
  44. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
  45. Germinate: to become a naturalized German
  46. Gravity is what you get when you eat too much and too fast.
    B. M. Clark
  47. H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
  48. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
  49. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
  50. If there was no nitrogen in the air we should die of fits of laughter.
  51. In biology today, we digested a frog.
  52. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find that there are twice as many H's as O's.
  53. In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
  54. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
  55. Isinglass is that whitish substance made from the bladders of surgeons.
  56. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
  57. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
  58. Lime is a green-tasting rock.
  59. Liter: a nest of young puppies
  60. Lumbago is a mineral used in making lead pencils.
  61. Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat
  62. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
  63. Mastication is what the Italians do with their hands when they talk English.
  64. Mistletoe is a man who hates all mankind.
  65. Momentum: what you give a person when they are going away
  66. Most books now say that our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
  67. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
  68. Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
  69. One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
  70. One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
  71. One major disease associated with cigarettes is premature death.
  72. One mineral found in Canada is conundrum.
  73. One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
  74. Pavlov studied the salvation of dogs.
  75. Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky
  76. Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
  77. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
  78. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
  79. Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
  80. Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot
  81. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
  82. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
  83. Someday we may learn to make magnets that can point in any direction.
  84. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
  85. Steroids help keep carpet on the stairs.
  86. Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
  87. The alimentory canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
  88. The body consists of three parts (the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity). The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels of which there are five: a-e-i-o-u.
  89. The climate is hottest next the Creator.
  90. The fibula is a small lie.
  91. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
  92. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
  93. The law of gravity was enacted by the British Parliament.
  94. The letters M.D. signify "mentally deficient."
  95. The moon is a plante just like the earth, only it is even deader.
  96. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
  97. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
  98. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
  99. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
  100. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think
  101. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
  102. The wind is like the air, only pushier.
  103. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
  104. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
  105. Transparent means something you can see through, for instance a keyhole.
  106. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
  107. Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
  108. To collect fumes of sulfer, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  109. To keep milk from going sour, keep it in the cow.
  110. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
  111. To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.
  112. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  113. Vacuum: a large emtpy space where the pope lives
  114. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
  115. Varicose means nearby.
  116. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
  117. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
  118. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
  119. We do not raise silk worms in the Untied States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
  120. We keep track of the humidity in the air so so we won't drown when we breathe.
  121. We say the cause of perfume disapperaing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
  122. When a boy reaches puberty, he says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
  123. When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
  124. When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
  125. When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
  126. When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get incontinental.
  127. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
  128. While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
  129. You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Q. Name the three races of man.
A. foot race, horse race and automobile race

Clarissa Richardson, Union High School, Grand Rapids, Michigan

Q. What are rabies, and what would you do for them?
A. Rabies are Jewish priests. I should do nothing for them.

Q. What is a herbaceous border?
A. One who boards all the week and goes home on Saturdays and Sundays.