Clippings From
Church Bulletins
and other church announcements

In the bulletin for the church where I worship,* there appeared
this request on behalf of someone recovering from surgery:

    No visitors, calls / cards welcome.
I wondered whether this was shorthand for
    No visitors or calls allowed, but cards are welcome.
or for
    No visitors allowed. Calls and cards are welcome.
But I thought this more straightforward:
    No visitors, calls, or cards are welcome.
See what you can make of these other notices. . . .

Additional volunteers are needed for next week's Easter Egg Nog Hunt.

After a study of the book of Philemon we will resume our study of the New Testament.

Allison Perozzo is recovering from having her wisdom taken out last week.

Area Promise Keepers are having a pancake breakfast for the Community Cooperative Ministry shelter for abused and battered women. They've been touching women for Christ for ten years.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

Barbara C remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Everyone is invited to a tea honoring our graduating senior girls.

Chinese Pizza Supper Tonight 1

Church seeking preacher: Starts August 6. Send resume by June 1. Include wife, transcripts, and references.

Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Congregational Singing
Wednesday Evening
July 14, 20004 2

Danny holds a bachelor degree from Ouchita Baptist College. 3

Don't forget, Ash Wednesday is Monday, March 5th.

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

During five days, April 1-4, 2014, Brian Davis organized and led a seminar . . .

During the absence of our minister, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon from John Smith who supplied the pulpit.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Evening massage - 6 PM

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

God Is Good. Dr Hargreaves is better.

Harewood Christian Discussion Group: We shall be meeting on Wednesday, 11th April, when the subject will be "Heaven: How do we get there?" Transport is available at 7:55 PM from the bus stop opposite the Harewood Arms.

Her favorite song is Ten Thousand Angles.

If you want to be a superhero for God, you could wear a costume, or even nothing at all.

In case of rain the community prayer vigil will be moved to the Christian Strife Center at Pennington Street Baptist Church.

Individuals and choirs from several area churches will untie at the park for one great evening of praise and worship.

Internet Pornography Sessions Begin Wednesday.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married October 24 here at the church building, thus ending a friendship which began in school days.

Jon's dad formerly preached in Opelika and Mobile, but is now working.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Let us pray for those who are sick of this church.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Mary Ruth Shaunessy is doing well following a procedure which was performed to help relieve abdominal pain at Baylor.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday Mrs Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's A Terrible Experience."

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Our sympathy is extended to Samuel Austin, whose mother pasted away.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Pepe is in the hospital with a sever staff infection and requets our prayers for her successful recovery. She and her husband are very close friends. 4

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Several members of our youth department are collecting donations for Operation Graduation. Funds will be used for a drug and alcohol party following graduation on May 29th.

She is very upset, as her mother has breasts.

Sin, choirs of angels, sin in exultation.

So far this year we have seven (6) beautiful little ones and their families to honor.

Some of our numbers are ill.

Thank you, Lord, for the many miracles we are too blond to see.

The agenda was adopted. The minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report.

The annual Easter Egg Hunt will be Saturday from 10:00 to 10:03 a.m. on the rear lawn.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

The Baby shower will be at 2:00 p.m. Saturday. All ladies invited. No clothing needed.

"The church in the 90s -- How do I respond as a christian woman?" Our lesson this week will be presented by Ben Cole, John Crowder, and Bill Vaught.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.

The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The Johnson family will attend the funeral of Susie's former husband, who died in Flint, Michigan tomorrow.

The ladies of the church are collecting items for Newborns in Need: fabric and supplies for knitting, crocheting, quilting, and sewing; finished goods; new and gently used clothing and blankets in good condition. Please place your baby in the bassinet located in the hallway.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

The minister spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 volunteers to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The "Over 60s Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The rosebud on the altar is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs Julius Belzer.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks On The Water. The sermon tonight: Searching For Jesus.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

There was a break-in at the Open Door Baptist Church last week. Burglars entered through a rear window.

There will be a meeting for those who like to cook and comfort those who mourn.

There will be a procession next Sunday afternoon in the grounds of the monastery; but if it rains in the afternoon, the procession will take place in the morning.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Today's Sermon: How much can a man drink? With Hymns from a full choir.

Tonight's sermon: What Is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

22 were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs Martha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs Crutchfield and Mrs Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

We are accepting candy and individually wrapped monetary donations in the office.

We have one car in the parking light with its licence running.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The framed entries are from our bulletins, newsletters, and announcements.
The rest are contributions from elsewhere.
1. What is Chinese Pizza?
2. This what I call advanced planning.
I saw this in 2004, i.e. 18,000 years before the event!
3. It should be "Ouachita"
(pronounced "WAH-chuh-Tah").
4. The words "sever," "staff" and "requets" appear here exactly as in the original announcement. But of course, that's not why I included this clipping.

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