Accident Reports

News Reports

  1. So far, only one person has survived yesterday's plane crash off the coast of California.
  2. The dead man has not yet been notified.
    KRLD radio, Dallas
  3. There's a stalled car going west on Sunset Highway.
  4. Wet weather has been blamed on the accident.
    radio, Dallas
  5. When her head hit the steering wheel, it broke off at the column.

Perpetrator/Victim/Agent Reports

  1. A bull was standing near-by and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.
  2. A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
  3. A lamp-post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.
  4. After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.
  5. By the way, I believe if I had lost my head the accident could have been worse.
  6. Driver encountered a large deer that jumped out from the woods to challenge his vehicle. The deer attacked his vehicle without having any insurance.
  7. First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.
  8. I blew my horn but it would not work as it was stolen.
  9. I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.
  10. I can give no details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time.
  11. I collided with a stationary tramcar coming in the other direction.
  12. I collided with a stationary tree.
  13. I consider neither vehicle to blame, but if either was to blame it was the other one.
  14. I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
  15. I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.
  16. I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
  17. I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault and had been knocked over before.
  18. I left my Austin Seven outside, and when I came out later, to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.
  19. I left my car unattended for a minute and whether by accident or design it ran away.
  20. I looked for the sign but the more I looked the more I couldn't find it.
  21. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
  22. I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
  23. I ran into the shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.
  24. I remember nothing after passing the Crown Hotel until I came to and saw P.C. Brown.
  25. I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
  26. I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
  27. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
  28. I thought the garage had only four posts, but my car bumped into a fifth.
  29. I told the other idiot what he was and went on.
  30. I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital much regretting the circumstances.
  31. I was knocked out as a result of the collision and was taken to hospital where I sustained serious injuries.
  32. I was overhauling the car when it was stolen.
  33. I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident occurred.
  34. If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself, it would not have happened.
  35. Leaving home for work I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was five minutes early.
  36. On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
  37. On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way.
  38. One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from the accellerator pedal, leapt across the lane to the other side and jammed in the trunk of a tree.
  39. She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we collided.
  40. The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
  41. The accident was due to an invisible lorry narrowly missing me.
  42. The accident was due to the other man narrowly missing me.
  43. The accident was due to the road bending.
  44. The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
  45. The car in front of me stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into his luggage grid.
  46. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  47. The lorry driver halted and worked for the corporation.
  48. The occupants were stalking deer on the hillside.
  49. The other man altered his mind and I had to run over him.
  50. The water from my radiator accidently froze at twelve midnight.
  51. The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman but it would be more correct in calling him a garage proprietor.
  52. There was no damage to the car as the gate post will testify.
  53. There were plenty of lookers on, but no witnesses.
  54. Three women were talking to each other, and when one stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
  55. To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
  56. While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial.
  57. Wilful damage was done to the upholstery by rats.
  58. Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. Some of the questions and answers on the claim form were as follows:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

Many of the accident report quotes I have seen being passed around in E-mails have not been posted here, since they are from Richard Lederer's copyrighted book, "Anguished English," published by Bantam Doubleday Dell. Get a copy. It's the funniest thing I've ever read.

You've probably seen this elsewhere on the web or in an E-mail, but I wanted to keep a copy for myself. It is a letter to an insurance company explaining the details of a
bricklayer's accident.

Word Wild Web
Dumb Things People Say
Lien À Trois
Elmwood Court