These quotes from student papers deal with the English language, one of the most difficult in the world to master. Fortunately, my teachers learned it to me real good.


  1. A bust is something a lady wears.
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  2. A caucus is a dead animal.
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  3. A caucus is a sort of big parrot that has been taught to swear.
  4. A compliment is when you say something to another which he and we know is not true.
  5. A connoisseur is a person who stands outside a picture palace.
  6. A goblet is a male turkey.
  7. A grass widow is the wife of a vegetarian.
  8. A martyr is something like a bachelor.
  9. A mayor is a he horse.
  10. A monologue is a conversation between two people, such as husband and wife.
  11. A pedagogue is an animal with large ears.
  12. A period is a dot at the end of a sentence. Period costumes are dress all covered with dots.
  13. A polygon is a man with many wives.
  14. A prodigal is the son of a priest.
  15. A Protestant is a woman who gets her living through an immortal life.
  16. A refugee keeps order at a football match.
  17. A spinster is a bachelor's wife.
  18. Allegory is a form of literature in which virtues are made vices.
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  19. An eavesdropper is a kind of bird.
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  20. An heir is when anybody dies you get what is left.
  21. An optimist is a man who looks after your eyes, a pessimist looks after your feet.
  22. Double dealing is when you buy something wholesale to sell retail.
  23. "Dour" means a sort of help, as in the hymn, "O God dour help in ages past."
  24. Emphasis in reading is putting more distress in one place than another.
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  25. Etiquette is little things you do that you don't want to do.
  26. Genius is an infinite capacity for picking brains.
  27. Matrimony is a place where souls suffer for a time on account of their sins.
  28. Parrafin is the next order of angels above seaphim.
  29. S.O.S. is a musical term meaning "same only softer."
  30. Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
  31. The future of "I give" is "I take."
  32. The Moratorium is a big ocean liner.
  33. The parts of speech are lungs and air.
  34. The two genders are masculine and feminine. The masculines are divided into temperate and intemperate and feminines into frigid and torrid.
  35. The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
  36. Trigonometry is when a lady marries three men at the same time.
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Q: Since "pro" means the opposite of "con," can you give me an illustration?
A: "progress" and "congress"